Coping with happy.

Yesterday was a really good day for me. Up until I started drinking. My friend took me out for margaritas and bought me dinner. My day had been packed with plans. I'm still off work for the holidays, and the ex came to get my son and so I threw on a new sweater and was all smiles.

Then something happened last night. I think the reality of the situation hit me again. I think I forgot for a day. Which would be a good thing, if I didn't remember later. Also, my ex and I had been talking on the phone 9-10 times a day. About stupid stuff. "Your Tootsie DVD was in the DVD player. I'll bring it back." Crap that didn't need to be said at all. Maybe it's just us sorting things out. Maybe we miss each other. Maybe it's both. The thing is, it's not helping me separate myself. It's like we're still friends.

I woke up today and wanted to stay in bed. But I couldn't. So I got up and called my folks and asked for help paying for a lawyer retainer. And then I called the best lawyer in town and booked an appointment. Turns out she's so popular, that she's booked out for five weeks - but I made the appointment.

My mom suggested that I get as much legal information together as possible to take with me. She said the less phone calls that need to be made, the better chance I have of not having to pay her anymore than this outrageously expensive retainer. So I started looking through files. That's a killer, by the way. So much of his name everywhere - I hate it. Took longer than I like to admit but I found tax returns for the past three years, vital information like SSNs, previous divorce and child support information from his first marriage. I started pulling any information about my son I could find - documents that prove he has a severe disability and will need care for life - not just till age 18. I'm gathering all the bills and making a pile of those. Mortgage information - - - so much paper. It's unbelievable.

I'm pretty down today. Weepy. Don't want to get dressed. No appetite.

Anyway. "Coping with happy." That means that even though my life has been turned upside down - - everyone else's goes on happily. The friend that spent the last two days with me can't see me today because she has a date that she's excited about. Another friend is newly involved with someone, several other friends and family are happily married. When you first tell everyone this news, you get tons of company, phone calls, facebook messages, texts. Everyone is so sorry and they offer to help anyway they can. But after the shock wears off, they go back to their lives. But I'm still in shock. And I'm not getting as many messages, or phone calls anymore. Everyone has done their part and they've moved on. And I know I would have done the same thing. If I were still with my ex and a friend had been going through this, I would have called, sent messages - - and then I would tell them to let me know if there's anything I could do - and move on, checking in on them from time to time. Because we all have our own lives to live. But nothing has changed for me. I'm still crying. I'm still scared. I'm still in this big, stupid house all by myself.

Just got a message from my stepmom. She's sick and can't meet tonight. So I texted my ex and told him to bring my son home early.

Oh and I changed my ex's ringtone on my cell phone. It used to be "My Hero." Now it's "The End of the World as we Know it." I think it's pretty fitting. I wanted to do "She Fucking Hates Me" but didn't think that would be appropriate at work.

Day 3 or as I like to call it, "Think of your love circle."

I've gotten a lot of supportive messages from friends and family the last few days. People getting back with me about the initial facebook message I sent out. I thought I'd share some of my favorite advice - - but this is only a little bit of it. (I keep it all in a word document appropriately called, "Divorce Sucks Ass."):

Better to leave now and find urself and someone who wants to b a part of you life and love you fully.

You are doing the right thing, and eventually it will all make sense.

...try staying in the moment, if you start thinking to far ahead you could go insane. One day at a time, minute at a time, whatever works.....

...remember that you are awesome and beautiful. Try to keep shining babe!

I know you are afraid of bugs in the basement, but hire a bug man to spray once a year, find yourself a house (with a basement for the drums and somewhere safe for tornadoes) that you and Erik and the man who is lucky enough to find you next... to live in and grow old.

...don't beat yourself up over that, and yes, you'll have a lot of bitterness, but that too will subside with time. After 15 years, I only have a teensy weensy bit o' bitterness in my soul...

Picture yourself in a middle of a circle and see all the faces that love you around you... Jim might be in that circle he just can't love you the way you want a husband to love you, but all the same...you have love. Life is hard, but we are connected. Don't forget that.

I've had a lot of folks get back with me on Facebook and keep checking up on me and I really appreciate that. My mom took me out shopping yesterday and bought me "feminine" things for my house to help me adjust. My friend Lynne came over today and hung around for hours, keeping me company and we laughed and had a really good visit. My dad came over which cheered Erik up a lot and then my brother and his wife came over and stayed for awhile and again, I was laughing and having a good time catching up.

So it is getting a little easier. I think the hardest part for me is going to sleep and waking up. I go to sleep in our bed alone and wake up alone and waves of sadness come over me. But I only cried once today and I laughed a LOT.

I've been talking to Jim a lot on the phone. Trying to get things settled. I heard back from one of the three lawyers I contacted. She charges $235/hr with a $2500 retainer and no free consult. Ugh. She also has a one-month wait list! So I'm waiting to hear back from the other two before I decide on one. I AM going through with this divorce though. Jim and I have had some heart to hearts *gag* on the phone lately. Turns out if his girlfriend hadn't dumped him on Christmas, he would still be seeing her. So it's little things like that, that keep me angry and keep me going.

Sooo... I think I'm starting to get past the sadness part and get on with the madness part.

Oh and I got in touch with an old boyfriend that a friend of mine saw on Match.com. Why the heck not? And while I was texting him, Jim called. And Lynne and I high-fived each other that my douchebag ex called while I was texting an old flame. HA!

Next step: Nailing down a lawyer and Jim picking up the rest of his things.

Deep breath...

"She's torn up plenty, but she'll fly true." - Zoey, after her husband has been killed, reporting on the status of their ship, on Serenity

This is the 2nd day that I've known I have no other choice but to divorce my husband of 13 years. I know this is going to be a very painful process so I thought I would blog about it for two reasons. One - I'm hoping it helps me cope. It helps to talk, and I lost the person I told everything to. Two - I'm hoping that by my last blog entry (who knows when that might be) - I might help someone else going through the same pain.

I'm not going to talk about how we met, or how wonderful I thought our marriage was - because those are two separate blogs unto themselves. Let's just say he was my best friend, we have one son (12), lived in a wonderful new house, had great jobs - everything was rosy. I thought.

For the last few weeks, I noticed my husband wasn't as affectionate as usual. He was distant which was odd. He was also rushing to the computer every chance he got - especially when I was in the other room - and made a big fuss over his cell phone breaking suddenly and not being able to receive texts. This was odd because neither one of us texted too often.

The two days leading up to Christmas 2011 were a whirlwind of family gatherings. Dinners, gifts, family photos - typical holiday stuff. But where usually I'm pretty happy about the holidays, I was actually kind of depressed. And I didn't know why. Then Christmas Eve came and my husband, son, and I opened our gifts. I know this is totally materialistic, but I spent over $500 on gifts for my husband including two pricy gadgets he'd always wanted for his guitar. He was happy as a lark. I don't think I barely smiled when I opened my knitting needle set, Kindle, and knitting magazines. And I wondered why he didn't notice that. I wondered why he didn't take my hand and ask me what was wrong...

Christmas day my husband was working (reason we opened our gifts the night before) so me and my son went to my mother's. Again, I was very depressed. I wasn't looking forward to opening gifts or eating prime rib or hanging out with my brother. I began thinking in my head that maybe I needed to start taking some sort of anti-depressant because I couldn't figure out what was wrong and this wasn't like me. My husband called me while I was over there and very happily told me "Merry Christmas" and "I love you!" I think I mumbled back to him but again, he didn't notice.

Later that night, I put my son to bed and started watching TV when my husband called again. "The guys are getting together for breakfast tomorrow morning - can I go?" Sure, I mumbled. If you want to. Then I talked to my mom and she mentioned how strange that was. Why would they all go to breakfast when they had spent all day and night together (he's a fireman) and they hadn't spend Christmas day with their families? It was like a slow light bulb went -ding-.

I got off the phone, put my movie on pause, walked to the computer and logged into his firefox and looked up his history. And there they were. Facebook messages from a gal named Lynn. I opened the first one, hoping against hope this was just an old pal from his home state and they were catching up. But they weren't. I couldn't read all of it, because I started shaking so severely it was hard to see. But what I did see was snipits of messages back and forth. She mentioned that her husband had noticed their "sexting." My husband mentioned that I had "made him watch a movie" with me. That my son and I wouldn't be home until 2:30. That her scent would stay with him all day. And he ended every message with *kiss.*

I don't remember much after that but I do know that I called my husband at 10PM and started yelling at him. I printed off the entire message strand that so I'd have it later if I needed it. I called my mother and inbetween sobs, told her that he was cheating on me - - - again. And I was coming over. I woke my son up and packed a bag. My husband hadn't called me back. I was shaking and crying and trying to get my son ready and he walked in the door. He asked me how I knew. I told him I could read the signs. I also saw the facebook messages. He said, "It ended today." I told him that was unfortunate, because we ended today too, and that I wanted a divorce. And I drove to my mom's.

That first night was absolute hell. I cried off and on. I didn't sleep at all. I just sat there in the dark room. Staring. Thousands of emotions flooding my head. Why. Why. I'm so scared. What am I going to do. How could he do this to me. I feel so alone. I just lost my best friend.

Yesterday was a numb day. I didn't eat or drink anything. There were crumpled kleenexes on every flat surface. I sent out a facebook message to close friends and family that didn't already know, telling them about the divorce - and the reason why. And after having some phone conversations with my husband, I'd found out some more details. Details that I wish I hadn't found out. He met her at a bar at his company's christmas party two weeks ago. He pursued her. She was married. It just made my stomach turn. Every word was like a knife in my gut. I just couldn't believe he would throw everything we had away - for some cute little girl that gave him attention in a bar - two weeks before Christmas. He also said things like, "if we were both single, I'd date her," and the kicker - "I love you but not as much as you love me."

When your husband cheats on you and says things like this and you've seen torrid messages between him and his lover - - you have to ask yourself - - why would you even consider giving him a second chance? But that's what happens. Because you're so caught up in the relationship that you've had with this person for so long - - that you don't want it to end. But I knew I had to end it. Because this wasn't the first time he cheated. It was the third. And even though the last time (that I know of) happened over seven years ago - it was clear to me that he wasn't able to stop the cycle. And he'd gone from picking up girls online to actually picking them up in person.

I know the relationship is toxic. I know that I have to leave. Start all over. Because he never was my best friend afterall. Best friends don't hurt each other like that, do they. I was his best friend. But he was no longer mine. And hadn't been for a very long time.

This morning I woke up alone in our bed. I didn't cry. The pain was once again overwhelming. The questions came flooding back. But I didn't cry. I've never felt so alone in my life. Even with people coming over, calling, future plans made - - I feel so incredibly alone right now. And all I want to do is see him or talk to him - but I know it's only because that's what I'm used to doing.

He's bringing our son back to me today. Our son has special needs and doesn't understand what's happening. I'm glad he doesn't understand but I'm sad that he can't talk to me. He does give me hugs though. And says, "awww." He knows that mom is sad but doesn't know why.

Well now the tears are welling up again. And in ten minutes, I need to make a very difficult phone call. To a divorce lawyer. Here we go.