Exactly three months in.

Blind date guy didn't work out. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him - - except he was on his 2nd DUI. Back to the drawing board - - and a guy who sells coffee for a living. Supposed to call him this afternoon but you know, I don't really want to screw with it. Dating - meeting new people - is kind of a total pain in the ass. I'm not one for small talk and that's all this is. Small talk galore. Ugh.

And - surprise, surprise - my ex is all over the same dating sites now. So when I log in and hunt for matches, of course his picture pops up. The picture that I took when we were married. I'm not in the mood to talk about him right now so I'll change the subject.

I mowed my giant lawn today. Took me 2 1/2 hours but I finally got it done. The ex (there I go again) came over yesterday and showed me how to work the mower. It's a beautiful day today so it wasn't that bad. I was pretty sore all over afterward so I'm thinking I got a pretty good workout in!

My realtor also came over yesterday and looked over the house. I signed a bunch of paperwork to put the house on the market. She's just waiting for me to clean it so she can take pictures and list it. Which means I'll have to keep up on the cleaning for showings. Something I haven't been that good at lately. There's shoes EVERYWHERE. I just don't care anymore. Breaks my heart to sell this place. Such a fantastic house in such a perfect neighborhood. I wonder if I'll ever be this happy again in another house and area. The thought scares me.

The lawyers are working on custody issues right now. Seems that Jim has Erik so much it's almost 50/50 in which case my lawyer says that he shouldn't have to pay full child support. So I faxed her a copy of March's calendar which shows that I actually have him 65% to Jim's 35%. Waiting to hear back from her.

Went on a motorcycle ride with R yesterday. Was actually really fun - - albeit a little scary. The weather is just so perfect lately. Was nice to ride around and feel the wind on my face.

Okay. Can't put it off any longer. Time to go talk to BLIND DATE #2. Bring on the small talk.

Look at the exciting future.

I am now the (not-so) proud member of three different online dating sites. After I quit talking to R, I became down again - - not crying - the crying has pretty much stopped - - just down. I realized that R was helping numb the pain. So I did what any dumb ass would do in this situation and got online and started talking to complete strangers.

I've been on them for about a week and so far, I've only agreed to meet up with one guy. Meeting him tomorrow for ice cream and my very first ever blind date.

You might be thinking, "no, it's too soon, you need to wait till the divorce is final and you feel better, concentrate on your son and your job and you blah blah blah" - - or maybe I'm thinking that. Either way, ultimately I decided - - what do I have to lose. Besides, it takes my mind off of things.

Spring has sprung and the weather has been awesome lately. My weight has yo-yo'ed but I'm averaging about 13 lbs lost so I've bought some new spring clothes in a smaller size which is pretty cool. I've gotten used to the contacts now - - not sure if anyone else has - my son still tries to put my glasses on me. I'm going to Vegas in a couple of weeks with my folks so that should be fun. Escape is GOOD. Especially to a brand new place I've never been before.

I wish I could say I'm all healed up and it's all good but that's of course not the case. I was just looking over old messages on Facebook and came across one with the ex from January. And of course you can see the current profile picture he's using and that brought me down for a sec. Kind of gives me the shivers actually. Like, I can't believe just a short 3 months ago, I was living with that person. I was married to that person. I was a totally different person.

I either read or saw recently where someone said, "Don't look at the sad past. Look at the exciting future." I need to post that all over my house. Look at the exciting future...

If You've Got to be Dumped...

Then winter is a good time for it. Gives you an excuse to stay in, hide under a blanket, and not worry about things like yard work, or selling your house right away.

But now Spring is coming. In fact, our weather has been so crazy that the temps are actually going to be as high as 76 later this week. Which means, more uncharted territory.

Over the weeks I've struggled with keeping this house vs selling this house. The more I get used to things, the more I'm leaning toward just staying here. However, until I get exact amounts from THE LAWYERS I won't know if I can afford to refinance. So I'm waiting on that before I list the house.

The lawyers have begun going back and forth now. They're currently discussing custody arrangements. It's funny... the lawyers seem to be fighting more than me and my ex are. I just want it over with so I can fully move on and make some decisions.

Since I posted last, I don't think I've cried once. I've gotten mad a couple of times and the sadness is still there... but the despair seems to be gone. One thing that is helping with that is my weight loss. The other day I was down 14 pounds. I've since gained a couple back. But yesterday I went to Old Navy and actually fit into some much smaller sweaters that I'd usually wear. So that euphoric feeling is kind of taking over the "whoa is me" crap.

I also ditched R because he wasn't putting me first at all - - and who needs that? I'm tired of being men's second priority. I also joined a couple of dating websites. That's been interesting to say the least. No dates yet, but some odd conversations - including an hour-long one last night at 1AM with a guy that lives an hour away! Again, he's got two kids and a job he loves so he's not going anywhere and neither am I so finally cut the conversation off and said Adios. Difficult to do
'cause he seemed really cool but I feel like I'm getting stronger and that I'm not going to settle.

I'll be okay on my own until somebody better comes along. I'll be okay...