Just Whatever

Dreamed about firemen last night. Reason #218 to hate my ex: I now cringe everytime I see a fireman. I used to be so proud of my ex because of his job. When in reality, when I think about it, he just sat around in a lazyboy watching TV all day until an alarm came in. Most alarms were for elderly who fell down or drunks who passed out. Not that those folks didn't need help, but let's face it, my ex wasn't exactly MR. HELPFUL. If I asked him to hang up some shelves or something at home, OH MY GOD, you would have thought I'd asked him to dig me an 8 foot trench or something. Besides, when he wasn't watching TV, apparently he was sexting his girlfriend. Awesome.

It's reasons like these that make me wonder why it bothers me so much that he's gone. And while it isn't on my mind as much as it used to be, it's still there. Nagging at me. It really pisses me off. Because I know, without one shred of doubt, that he is not thinking of me right now. Or writing a sappy blog about me. Yet, here I am.

What's even more annoying is that he's looking really good these days. He's probably lost 20 lbs, so he doesn't have that huge belly anymore. I hate that he's all fit and trim for his new girlfriend. So the best revenge that I can think of is to get fit and trim myself. Only he's ALWAYS been able to lose weight quicker than I can. I've only lost 10 lbs. I owe some of that to Zumba and the rest to stress and depression. I didn't eat very much in January. But I'm sad to say that my appetite has returned. My ex and I used to eat tons of fast food and I'd gotten away from that, but now it's coming back. I'm having a really difficult time shopping and cooking for one. It's bizarre. Last time I went to the store, I actually bought some of those tiny canned vegetables. You know, the tiny corn and tiny green beans. And they're still in my pantry.

So then I try to invite people over for dinner so I have someone to cook for. Pathetic huh? Whatever works, I guess.

The ex sent me an email a week ago which said something like, "I have to compliment you. The "fuck that guy" makeover is looking really good on you. I'm sorry I hurt you like that." blah blah I can't remember it exactly. Which is surprising since I read it about 20 times. OH YEAH. He said something like, "I'm glad you're able to move on after what I've done."

Gross.

He dropped our son off the other night and I had my contacts in. I'm sure I looked super awesome with my pajamas on, absolutely no makeup, and contacts. He didn't say anything at first and I thought he'd just let it go and then a surprised, "Are you wearing contacts?" I said, "Yes." Really deadpan. Ordinarily I'd be like, "Yeah!! What do you think?" or something happy like that. But I really found myself not wanting to discuss it with him. Like it was none of his business. He was trying to gain some insight I guess 'cause then he said something like, "Do they feel funny?" (????) Again, a deadpan "Yep." And then his reply, "Wow. Okay" and he was gone.

I think I look like my grandma with my contacts in. I used to look like my mom with my glasses and now I look like my grandma. Droopy eyelids, wrinkles, and everything. Of course, I haven't had any makeup on lately because of the difficulty of getting these large spikes into my eyeballs. Which, by the way, is getting only a TAD bit easier since I got them on Wednesday. My vision is all screwy because I need bifocals and these aren't bifocal lenses. So right now as I type this out, the text is blurry, then I can see, then it's blurry again - - it's weird. I go back for a check up on Wednesday so I'll be sure to tell the dr this.

Anyway, back to the "fuck that guy" makeover. I don't really think of it that way. I think of it more as a NEW ME makeover. I don't want to be Mrs. H anymore. I want to be a new, improved (or just absolutely different looking) Deanna. Kind of goes with the shopping thing. If I'm surrounded by new, I can't remember the old. As much.

My "boyfriend" is coming over for a movie tonight. Can I call him that? Okay, "R" is coming over for a movie tonight. This is good. It will force me to tidy myself up. I'm bad about "pajama weekends" if I don't have plans.

Oh - - 9 weeks by the way. Two months separated. And I mailed all that crap off to my lawyer so I suppose it's a matter of time before Douche gets served. Will he have a party? Fuck him.

UPDATE: Got the copy from my lawyer today. The divorce has officially been filed. I didn't cry.

Eight Weeks (but who's counting?)

I've been doing a lot of shopping lately.

It all started on Valentine's Day (gag) when I decided to go to the mall and by myself a gift. The mall is a lonely, lonely place on Valentine's Day. Just me, a dozen or so men, and a lot of black teenagers. Anyway, two hours later, I was walking out with a new purse, necklace, earrings, ring, two shirts, and a whole bunch of new underwear. CUTE ones.

The shopping almost gave me a high - - like a "Oh you're going to leave me, huh? Then I'm going to go out and buy ALL NEW STUFF" high. So, today I did some more shopping. I actually went out and bought myself a pair of Uggs. Then I went to Lenscrafters and bought myself a new pair of glasses. (A necessity since I have to switch to bifocals so I can READ again, but still. I got the NICE ones.) After that, I went to TJ Maxx and bought a few new towels.

Guess I'm just trying to make EVERY SINGLE THING new. Like, no trace of Douche. If there's no trace of him, there's no memories. Less memories, anyway. Makes me feel a little bit better. Still. Debt is a bad thing too, so I need to chill out on the shopping for awhile.

I don't talk to Douche that much anymore in case you're wondering. I do have to see him every third day or so when we swap Erik. And we'll occasionally text - - but it's always about our son. My stepmom asked me the other day if Douche ever talks to me about anything - - I guess she's expecting him to apologize, or beg for me to come back or something - - but no. He's civil but extremely impersonal. He says things like, "I gave him a bath last night. There's some stuff in his backpack. Thanks. Bye." 14 years together and that's all I get. Probably just as well though. 'Cause if he did talk to me more, I might get the wrong idea, and start pining again. So I guess I'd rather him stay an asshole.

Meanwhile, I've been dating my old boyfriend. He's got a crazy job that only allows us to see each other on Friday and Saturdays, but we're usually together anymore. Wish I could say, "He's wonderful! Everything I've ever wanted! Douche who?" But I can't. It's just too soon to go there. But I do enjoy his company and sometimes, he can make me forget all this mess. So I'm very thankful that he's here.

I get my contacts in a few days. That will be crazy. Glasses in a couple of weeks. Going to Vegas for the first time in a month so I'm looking forward to getting away for awhile. Work is better now. I no longer have to just put my head down from time to time so that's good. I also haven't cried for a few days. YES. That feels good. However, my dad's health is slipping and I see him getting weaker. So I'm worried about him and going through that alone. Taking it day by day.

Taking everything day by day...

Seven Weeks In

Let's see. Well, I got my hair cut off and colored and made it as different as possible. I also ordered contacts and they should be coming in soon so I'll post a picture of THE NEW ME as soon as I get them. The hair isn't too drastic of a change since it was short already, but I've gotten a lot of compliments on it - from everyone at work to the lady at Taco Gringo to Douche - everyone says it looks great. So that made me feel pretty good!

I'm almost done completing all of the financial documents for my lawyer and I filed my last "married, filing jointly" taxes last night. Douche and I have agreed to split the refund down the middle. It's not much but it's enough to pay my mom and stepdad back some of the money I owe them for the retainer. I plan on getting all the paperwork back to her next week so she should start drawing up the final petition or whatever it's called - - divorce papers.

Douche just picked up Erik this morning and seemed overly happy. I wonder if he's dating. None of my business anymore but I like it much better when he's miserable.

Time for Zumba. I'll write more later.

Six Weeks In

My son's party was a lot of fun. He was so excited, he forgot to get mad when his dad dropped him off. He saw the balloons and cake and was so happy. "Caa!!" (Cake!) he said, over and over. And when the guests arrived, he was in heaven. It was the first party I've thrown solo in --- I can't remember how long. But I did it. And we had 16 guests. I'm not sure if everyone that came was there for him or for me - - or maybe for both of us. But everyone showed up. I had my picture taken with every one of them. I ordered prints today and will hang them up in my dining room to remind me of all the support I have from my family and friends. Even though I don't talk to them every day, I know they're out there if I need them.

My son was with me all day today. I have a cold that is hanging on so I had to take a nap for awhile. Wish I could use that as an excuse as to why me and my son stayed in our pajamas all day. But I guess I just lacked motivation. I did start filling out some of the financial paperwork that the lawyer requested but it's confusing so I stopped. A side note - - yesterday at noon I emailed Douche that I would need some financial stuff from him and W-2's. He brought everything with him four hours later when he dropped off my son. Seems like he's in an awfully big hurry to get divorced. Yee haw. Once again, I averted my eyes and didn't look at him. I took the documents (I never say "thank you") and he went on his way.

Tonight I was watching Tangled and started sobbing. Serious. Sobbing to a cartoon. It was the part where they were in the boat and the lanterns are floating and they're falling in love, blah blah blah. And all I could think about was that I thought Douche and I were in love. But we weren't. He wasn't. Just me I guess. I also remembered seeing the movie with his daughter when she was living with us last year and how I'll never see her again. I just started sobbing and sobbing until my mascara was a hot mess and my eyes burned from it.

I want to be strong. Move on. Never cry again. I want to not remember anything. I want to just concentrate on my son, my job, my future. But "there's always something there to remind me" and I regress again. I'm just so angry that he did this to me. My marriage was always something that I was really proud of. And now it's just a big joke and I'm just another statistic. One more single mom.

It's very difficult to imagine that I'll ever be in a relationship again. When someone you thought loved you - leaves you, and you thought you were best friends and everything was going great - - it makes you question yourself. Why didn't he love me enough? What's wrong with me? And if he couldn't love me, then how could anyone else?

Guess I'm just feeling a little defeated lately. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I don't cry every day. But when I do, whoa. I let it all out. I'd say at this point, I'm crying every four days or so. Looking forward to the day when I don't cry over him anymore.

He's not worth it.

The Lawyer

Finally met my lawyer today. My friend Lynne went with me, thank goodness. I was a nervous wreck. The lawyer was very nice and really seems to know what she's doing which is good. I didn't get all of my questions answered like I'd hoped - - for example, how much my child support would be - - because she has to do some leg work first and get back with me. She did tell me that if he doesn't fight me, we should be able to wrap this up in six weeks. I told Lynne that I hoped my girlfriends would throw me a "STARTING OVER" party on the day that happens.

Right now I have to get some payroll documents from Douche and file our taxes for 2011. More later when I get some more news.

Today is my son's birthday and I have about 15 people coming to the house in 4 hours so it's hard to wrap my head around what's happening in Divorce Land. I'm too busy making a Thomas cake. I'll cry later.

(BTW, this is the first "event" I've planned without Douche. I was running all over town. It's not fun doing this on my own, that's for sure...)