Time to vent.

Each month I have make a visitation schedule for Douche to see our son. Because of his strange work schedule, the days are constantly rotating. Because of me taking a night Zumba class, I let Douche keep our son until I can pick him up after my work out. I almost prefer picking him up to him being dropped off. I hate seeing Douche walk quietly away from what used to be our house. It's like he's leaving me over... and over.... and over.

So I'm reading that book - It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. Come to find out, it's not written for divorcing women with children. Because chapter 7 says "Don't see him or talk to him for 60 days." Which is totally impossible for me to do with my son. It would be different if my son didn't have special needs so that he needs escorted to the door. It's not like he can hop out of dad's van and run into our house. He needs to be brought up or he won't get out of the vehicle.

So I'm making the schedule for March right now and I've cut out some of my son's time with his dad - - just so I can pick him up from school instead of seeing Douche. As it is right now, I've got 2/3 of the month's schedule done and I already have to see Douche 6 times!! When all is said and done, I'll probably have to see him 8-9 times that month. It's horrible. I envy those single moms that can say "I get him one week, you get him the next" or those single moms who's sons can simply hop in and out of cars on their own. Not seeing Douche or talking to him is what I need right now. And I just do not see any way out of it.

Update: I just completed the visitation schedule for March. Then I compared how many times I've had to see/will see Douche in Jan, Feb and March. In Jan and Feb, I counted 10 times. I know, that's a LOT. :( BUT in March, I was able to get it down to 8. I had to cut a few of his evenings but hey, I could care less. Screw him.

Five weeks in.

Mixed feelings this weekend. I'm finding that seeing HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED really brings me down. Yesterday he came to pick up my son and I kept my eyes averted - - but the damage was done. I went to Zumba, drove back home, and as I pulled into the garage, started crying hysterically. I think it was seeing the house. This was our dream house and we were so happy when we bought it. Whatever. So I sat in my car and cried for awhile. Like gut-wrenching sob-crying. I also realized, I didn't have any plans for the day. I had planned on going to a movie with R but I cancelled. I just can't go there right now. I need to get my head on straight before I start seriously (or even unseriously) start seeing men. (I texted R this morning to say that I'd just like to be friends if possible. That was 30 mins ago and he hasn't replied.) Sooo, in the sad sack state I was in, my eyes all puffy and hurting, I went back to bed and took a nap.

When I woke up, I felt better. And my stepmom called me which always cheers me up. She's wanting to fix me up with a guy that she knows who's an engineer. I told her sure, but take her time.

So here are the before and after pictures of my bedroom that I promised:

Before

After

It's a lot brighter and happier now. Needs some more artwork on the walls but I can take care of that later. But yeah, got rid of all the depressing dark wood.

And here's a picture that my son took of me a couple of weeks ago:



Starting over....

JUST MOVE ON ALREADY.

So I'm reading this book called "It's Called a Break-Up Because it's Broken" and in it they say DO NOT CALL YOUR EX. DO NOT CALL YOUR EX. THEY DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. YOU'LL ONLY FEEL BAD EVERY TIME YOU HANG UP. And the book is right. So I thought, "I'm not going to call...." But then he's got my son so I had to call to see if he could keep him an extra 30 mins. And he tells me he's hired a lawyer of his own since I'm "getting the best divorce lawyer in town." And I told him I thought he wasn't going to contest anything and he said he doesn't want to but wants someone else to look over the agreement. And when I got off the phone, I totally agreed with what I had read the night before in that dang book. That I do always feel like crap after talking with him. UGH!!! It just ticks me off so much that I'm miserable and he's so dang happy to be getting rid of me. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On another note, I called the bank today and found out that I can sell this house without selling the other one first. And after Douche's name is off of this loan, he can apply for a new loan to buy the old house so I won't have to worry about it anymore. And then after I sell this house, I'll have about 50k to put on a new one. Because I know I'm going to take a hit on this house since the market SUCKS ASS right now and I'd like to have some extra cash to put a security system on a new house. Makes me feel safer at night knowing that I have that alarm. I've kind of gotten used to having one!

On even another note, I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend a lot (we'll call him R) and he's coming over Friday for dinner and a movie and to meet my son. I wouldn't necessarily recommend contacting an old flame if you've just been dumped by your husband because it's very confusing and you can't help but compare him to the asshole that just dumped you. And that's not very fair to the old flame. As for R, he seems fine with it although I haven't really told him the full scope of how dejected I feel right now. And part of me is wondering if this is just something I'm doing to boost my self esteem. And then another part of me is saying "WHO CARES. YOU'RE THINKING TOO MUCH. GO OUT AND HAVE FUN. JEESH!!!"

I think the 2nd part of me is winning over the 1st part.

Four Weeks In.

Amazing. One month has gone by since life was turned upside down.

Went on a date with my old boyfriend last night. We went to a show and had a good time. Took my mind off of things. I imagine we'll hook up again soon but I'm trying to keep things in perspective. And it was so strange being with another guy! Even though I've known him for years... just felt like I was cheating all night. Can't explain it. Like, I found myself wondering if anyone that had known me and my ex was there and saying, "WTF is Deanna doing with that other guy!??" But then I reminded myself that Douche cheated on me and does not want to reconcile so I was able to relax a little after that. I'm sure it will be even easier next time we go out.

I've been reading some books to help me get through this mess. Just finished reading Surviving Separation and Divorce which was okay. I don't know about the whole "secure a financial future" part - because I don't remember too much about that. But it was nice reading about the author's own story - mostly because she also had children with special needs. So now I'm reading It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken by the same guy that wrote "He's Just Not That Into You" and it's taking a humorous spin on just getting over the jerk and moving on. I'm only on chapter 3 though so I'll let you know if it's worth reading later. So far, it's kind of funny. Hmm. Here I am reading self help books on how to survive this crap and I'll just bet that Douche is reading comic books or novels. HATE. HIM.

And no, still not done painting the night tables so those "after" shots are going to have to wait for another day. I'm keeping so busy now-a-days that I don't have too much down time for painting! I also didn't get my hair cut the other day - long story. And now I have to wait until Feb 9th to get in to see her. Ugh!! My hair will be totally gross by then...

Up. Down. Up. Down. Sideways. Down.

Having a sad day today. I did manage to get some knitting done this morning and eat lunch. In a few hours I'll be going to Zumba and talking to some friends so that will be nice. Then I come home and BAM - - Douche will be at my door bringing my son home. Then I'm sure I'll be down again.

I did manage to get my old bedroom furniture painted and began preparing for the big switch. Douche will be taking our new set and I'm keeping the old. I also went out with a friend yesterday and hit the antique stores and managed to find an inexpensive nightstand to replace that one that he took. Then I went and bought some aqua paint. Going to paint the two night stands and dresser mirror this robin egg blue color. It's so strange to be decorating for just me. I'm not used to it at all. A totally foreign concept. Douche hated white furniture - especially in the bedroom. I was always a fan of the shabby chic look but that was always frowned upon. So now that he's out of the picture, I'm GOING FOR IT.

I took a before photo of the bedroom but I have to switch out the bed and get the side tables painted before I can post the after photo. But pictures are coming soon. Hopefully by next weekend.

I'm also getting a haircut this Thursday - - although I can't do anything drastically different (like I'd prefer) because my hair is already short. Drat. I could do something with color but I'd have to make another appointment for that. So maybe next time.

Three weeks in.

At this point, I can't remember what I have or haven't talked about. So if you're following this and I repeat myself, I apologize.

Last week I got the courage up to delete Douche on facebook. This is awesome because now I can visit facebook (something I really enjoy doing) and not have to worry about seeing his happy-ass posts that bring me down. I also deleted my son's account so I couldn't look at his stuff through my son. But guess what. His info and wall are PUBLIC. So... guess what I did? Yep. Went in there and looked. And guess what I found? That he'd deleted every photo he had of me. Which probably took him about two minutes to do. Meanwhile, my facebook photos section is 80% him and it's a HUGE collection. To delete every photo of him in it would take me forever. So what I'm going to try to do instead is make NEW albums WITHOUT Douche in them. So if I come over to your house, don't be surprised to see me with a camera.

Meanwhile, I've been speaking with my old boyfriend. We're going to see a movie next weekend. We talked about how it's just a "friends" thing, how neither one of us wants to remarry EVER, and that nothing extracurricular would happen until I'm divorced - if it happens at all. But in the mean time, he makes me feel pretty again and he's a fun diversion. And that's good enough for me. I was actually able to talk to him last night on the phone and NOT compare him to Douche every ten seconds.

Speaking of Douche, he came and dropped our son off last night and took a few things, and I was able to say "Okay bye" and walk away and be OKAY. That was big for me. I feel like I'm getting a little used to being on my own now. I'm still very angry and upset with him for doing this to me. I wish I had the $$ to see a therapist. I may call our old one and ask if she could base her fee on my pay. I checked my insurance and it doesn't seem to pay for therapy.

It's been snowing here lately. Which means I had to shovel my driveway. I was pretty proud of myself for getting this done. It wasn't much snow, but it still made me happy that I was able to get it done on my own. Next job - take the car in for an oil change.

I've got gross news and I've got good news.

So yesterday I got to thinking. This is stupid. What Douche and I had was much more important than whatever he had with his two-week long girlfriend, right? We could go to counseling, we could sleep in separate bedrooms, we could - - I don't know. Not get divorced.

So I told him this.

His reply was, "If that woman called me tomorrow and said she wanted to give it another try, I would say yes."

Wheee! I'm sorry, what? Can you twist that knife in my stomach just a little bit more, Dear?

So, apparently what we had wasn't important enough to him. After I got over the initial shock of hearing this, I was able to say, "Well. I guess there isn't anything left to say." And I hung up.

I did feel a little bit stronger today. Well, I guess I should say I'm "having a strong day today" because tomorrow I might be a weeping mess of goo. Douche even told me, "I don't know if I'm going to be talking to Joking Deanna, Sad Deanna, Mad Deanna - it changes everyday." And he's right. That about sums me up.

I'm still doing Zumba and hanging out with friends and family as much as possible. My mom and stepdad have been awesome these past two weeks, helping me feel a little bit more financially secure and my mom tried to redecorate my whole house so I had some new Doucheless stuff. My dad, who was a fireman like Douche is, is going to help me make a list of firefighter pay benefits that I can take to my lawyer so she doesn't have to do as much work - - thus making the retainer last longer. My stepmom has been calling me and checking up on me, offering to make me dinner or buy me a manicure. My friend Ed went to see a really bad movie with me (thanks Ed). My friend Lynne brought me flowers, donuts, and oranges and took me out for margaritas. My friend Lisa always listens to my sobbing vents and never acts like she's sick of hearing them. My friend Jill keeps reading this depressing blog and sends me detailed Facebook messages and advice. My friend Kim is doing Zumba with me three days a week. My stepsister Jill has been sending me smiling baby texts of her little girl and calls it "Baby Therapy" which always makes me smile. My stepsister Jamie has given me lots of "I know exactly how you're feeling" advice because she's been in my shoes and she's still single (which means she doesn't have to rush home to a happy husband and I don't have to cope with happy when I'm with her). My brother Ty has been facebooking me a little more often and making me laugh. He also lets me and Erik come over to his house which Erik LOVES. My sister-in-law Erin sent me so many inspirational texts one day that I was cracking up. At work I've gotten hugs from Sandy, Liz, Deb, and my principal. My friend Dave drives by Douche's house and flips him off for me. And I can't forget my little boy who gives me lots of tight hugs, says "Awww" and gives me kisses.

I really do have a wonderful support system right now. And there's some comfort in knowing that Douche probably does not. He's told me that all of his remaining friends are either very disappointed in him or just avoid the issue altogether saying it's none of their business. And for some reason (not sure why though) he's very depressed and angry. Part of that may be because things didn't work out with the other woman who ended up going back to her husband and texted mine saying he didn't even mean anything to her. You're right, Douche. "Karma is a bitch."

Speaking of which, I was finally able to delete Douche on Facebook. Not an easy thing since I was stalking him on a daily basis. I cried pretty hard when I did that. I also sadly deleted my stepdaughters (I messaged the older one telling her it was nothing personal and to take care of one another) and unsadly deleted my mother-in-law. I also deleted any close friends of Douche's that would remain his friends so I didn't have to see their stupid happy-go-lucky posts. When I did that, I was making a choice to MOVE ON. Move forward. Everytime I looked at his page, it was a big step in the wrong direction. And now that there's absolutely no chance of a reconciliation, it's time to move on. Even if it's hard as hell.

Two weeks in.

Just spent some time rearranging my basement. Trying to fill in the empty space a little bit. It was a big house to begin with - even with his stuff in it. Now it seems huge and empty. I don't go down in the basement too often anyway. Basically just store stuff. Seems a huge waste though. It's very large and partially finished with cabinets on one side, a utility sink, tons of shelving. Perfect for band rehersal. Not so perfect for a single mom. I guess I could make it into a play room for Erik. His drums are down there. That might be a thought.

I also now have a completely empty third bedroom. There's an ironing board in there. And the bedroom furniture that I want to paint but can't bring myself to do. I got the farthest today though. I'm sitting here in my paint clothes, and the paint and drop cloth are upstairs where the furniture is. I just can't bring myself to paint. I just have no motivation.

Motivation is very difficult right now. I joined a Zumba class with my friend Kim. I actually have my mom to thank for that one. She forced me to go on Wednesday when I was at my 2nd lowest (1st low being the night I found out). It was fun with mom and Kim there. This morning, not so much. I'll keep going just to get out of the house and possibly lose some weight though. Not giving up on it.

Not motivated to keep my house clean either. This is a biggie because my house is so large. It takes lots of maintenance. Dusting and vaccumming have totally fallen by the wayside. I'm doing good to get my dishes and laundry done right now. I figure, I'll catch up on things if I have guests over or when I'm feeling better.

Paid the bills for the first time in three years. Bill pay rocks. Problem is, I only have $111 to last me the next two weeks. I'm trying to remember what I've been spending money on. Gas, Zumba, groceries, and a couple of dinners out. I'm trying to come up with ways to save but again, this house is really expensive. I should probably get rid of cable but then what the heck am I going to do? I watch TV a lot more now than I used to.

Went to a movie with a friend last night. And then my ex-boyfriend came over for a visit. That was interesting. Weird, but interesting. He told me that he always regretted breaking up with me and that we had a good thing going. It was nice to feel desired again. He kept hinting about taking me out but never asked and I didn't push it. We don't have much in common anymore anyway and I want to be divorced before I start seeing anyone. Even as "old friends" 'cause who knows where that can lead.

Friends have told me to try and stop looking at the past and look to the future. But the past is everywhere I look. It's all over this house, my son, my car, my job, my friends, my family. They say to stop trying to figure out what's going to happen, just to take things minute by minute. "Live for the moment." Except all I can do is wish for a year to be gone so I won't feel this way anymore. Jeesh. Two weeks and it feels like it's been months since things have been normal for me.

I know I sound like a sad sack right now but I'm not like this all the time. It depends. Like yesterday was a good day for me. I was still sad but I was able to push things out of my mind from time to time. I think it was because I was wearing my new "sexy jeans." I typically don't feel too sexy in my "teacher clothes." But on Fridays we can wear jeans and I have a new pair of super tight, super cute jeans that make me feel slimmer and look taller. And when I look good, I feel good. Wish I could afford another pair of those jeans...

Douche is dropping our son off to me at 5pm. He's also bringing some of my things over from the old house and taking some more of his crap. I asked him yesterday if we could maybe be friends some day and he said he would like that. So I've got that going for me. I get to be friends with my ex who I never wanted to be divorced to in the first place. Yippee.

Ugh... not in a very good mood right now. Feeling very down. I think I'll go take a nap.

Things to look forward to in the future:
1) Not feeling so damned depressed.

Uh... that's all I can come up with right now.

Wow. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.

He came and got the rest of his stuff today while I was at work. The basement is empty. The closet is empty. The bookshelves are empty.

The pain is overwhelming. You can't even imagine.

Never text 7 people at a time.

I thought this was getting easier but actually, I've gone a little downhill lately. It may be because my ex (who will now be known as "Douche") has had my son for the past three days and I'm very lonely in the house. It may also be because I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT DOUCHE. WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES???? I JUST WANT MY BRAIN TO GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now. That being said, I haven't cried. I've been on the verge, but no actual tears. Just major depression, sad sack crap.

Started back to work today. I'm a teacher so we had a "work in your room" day today without students. They return tomorrow. Man. Talk about a downer - jeesh. Okay, here's the deal with me and work. Douche is a fireman. His schedule is 24 hrs on, 48 hrs off. And he had no second job (unless you count playing Xbox or sexting girlfriends). So when I would work, I would always be so happy on his days off because I knew he would be there waiting for me. On his work days, I would go pick up my son from school and we'd go home and have a quiet night since my son can't really say anything other than "CAR! PA PA! TY! ENN!"

When Douche and I were talking the other day he said going to work is the only thing that's normal for him now and he looks forward to it. For me, it's just the opposite because I have nothing to go home to afterward.

So, and I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, I'm going to start a 2-day a week Zumba class after work starting tomorrow. I'm also trying to stay as busy as I can with friends and family.

For example, and this is kind of funny, I was so bummed out at work today (at one point I just sat there at my desk with my head in my hands for like... five minutes). And my phone hadn't rang once, no texts or anything - - not like people can usually call me or anything while I'm at work so I'm not blaming them. SO, I got the bright idea to send a text out that read "Really feeling down today. Could use some words of encouragement" ----to seven friends and family members. While I did get lots of encouraging words, it also ground my work to a halt for about 30 minutes as I fielded calls. Guess I shouldn't have sent it to so many people.

THANK GOD for my mom, by the way. She agreed to meet me at noon for lunch AND came to my classroom to help me sort out my library - and THEN she took me out shopping and got me some awesome pretty pillows for my bed.

I must say, even though I feel like absolute crap, I am very lucky to have so many supportive friends and family. Thanks to those of you that are reading this depressing ass blog. I guess it's true what they say. It gets worse before it gets better...

By the way - - I'm starting to get a little angrier lately. That's probably a good thing, right?

One week down. And I do mean "down."

I remember reading somewhere about the five stages of grief. I think it was 1) Sadness, 2) Denial, 3) Anger, 4) Acceptance, 5) Healing. I might be totally wrong too. But anyway, according to my own little chart, I think I'm at number 2. It's very hard for me to think that Jim will never be back in my life the way he used to be. And I understand that no self-respecting woman would ever consider taking back a 3-time cheater. And I have no plans on a reconciliation. But he was such a good friend. It's been very hard to cut those ties. If he had been violent, if he had been angry with me, if he had said horrible things to me, maybe it would be easier to move on. As it was, we had a lot of laughs. Great.

So, just like last time after I kicked him out of the house (back in 2003), my car broke down. And he had to come and fix it for me. I HATE that. But he's the only guy I know that knows anything about cars and I knew he would help me, so I called him up and of course he came straight over this morning. I had a dead battery so he took me to Walmart (I sat in the back with Erik), I was able to purchase a new one (thanks to my mom and stepdad who gave me all the money from Jim's returned Xmas gifts), and Jim was able to put it in for me. Car started right up. Stupid car.

The problem with me and Jim - - and there are sooo many right now - - is that we really miss each other's company. So, dufus that I am, I invited him in and he stayed for an hour and we talked. Yes it was awkward. No I'm not proud of it. But there it is. I know he was cheating, and lying to me. And I remember all the things he's said/done over the years. And that gives me the strength to say "Okay well... I guess you should get going then." And he does. I'm not going to invite him over for dinner and a movie any time soon - or ever. I'm just saying that I'm only human and I'm very lonely. So yeah. I call that denial. I'm anxious to get on to Angry.

I start back to work in a couple of days. Jim said work is the only place he feels normal right now. I'm hoping that's how I feel too. So Jim is keeping Erik for me for the next three nights so I can get my grading and lesson plans done. I'm also meeting my stepmom tomorrow for a manicure and then my mom said she'd come over to the school on Tuesday and help me rearrange my classroom library. Wednesday night I thought I'd check out a free Zumba class and see if it might be something I'd be interested in doing a couple nights a week. (If anyone is interested in going with me, let me know!)

On a depressing note, I found an "Illinois child support calculator" online last night. Using one of Jim's check stubs, I punched in his monthly net, monthly child support to his other children, and health insurance costs. After all that, it spit out that I'd get a whopping $397 per month. Which is less than half of what he's giving me now. I was shocked. I thought I would qualify for more. And maybe the fact that Erik has a disability will be a factor in determining the exact amount and for how long I would get it. But even if I got $500 extra a month, that's not enough to let me keep this house. So that's really got me down right now. And you might be thinking "oh there's plenty of cute little houses out there and you don't need all that room anyway" - - - but I've been looking and there really isn't. Not right now anyway. And even if I can find a decent enough looking house, it's in a crappy neighborhood or out north.

I wish I could talk to that lawyer sooner than next month!!