Last Entry

I was divorced this week.  It's been four months and one week since my world fell apart.  But I can safely say that Jim was right when he said we were better off this way.  I've met a wonderful new man (on Match.com no less) that is the best parts of Jim and the best parts of my first husband - - and a bunch of NEW best parts of his own.  I'm moving out at the end of this month and I've found the cutest little house that is just as wonderful as the dream one that I'll be leaving.  My son has been coping well and really seems to like my new boyfriend.  Jim even seems happier and has been very flexible with Erik's schedule - taking him when I need a babysitter, etc.

I know now that it is possible to have your world crumble into a million pieces and come back stronger - and much better off.  I still miss being married to a man that was a lot of fun.  And while Jim had his faults, there will always be a part of me that misses those good times.  But I've met new friends, done new things, and starting over I know that anything is possible.  I may even remarry again someday.  But for now, I'm enjoying being single, dating, hanging out with my son, throwing myself into my work, etc.

So I'll end this blog with how I started it.  A quote from one of my favorite movies;

"She's torn up plenty, but she'll fly true."

Here's to flying true.

The Latest. Hmm.

Since last weekend, I've come to an agreement with my ex that while I won't be getting full support, I'll get pretty close to it. I also had my lawyer add an amendment that says he pays for before and after school care for the duration of my son's schooling. So now I'm just waiting for him to sign it so we can take it to the judge. We have a court date of May 2nd set up. If my ex agrees to the terms, I can be divorced as soon as 2 1/2 weeks from now.

Some days I'm up, some days I'm a little down. But I'm no where near as down as I was four months ago. So this IS starting to get a little easier. But I have to be honest. I've become involved with someone I met on match.com and he sure is good at taking my mind off of my ex! My dad says this is just a "mask" or bandaid and that it won't last. But I like my bandaid just fine, thank you very much.

I also found a house that I plan on putting an offer on tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me because the last house I put an offer on was outbid. grrr

Screwed.

Saw my lawyer today. Apparently a wife can only take her husband "to the cleaners" if he actually has money to take. My lawyer seems to be on his side. Actually, I'm pretty angry with my lawyer right now. When she gave me the depressing news about how much child support I could actually end up getting per month, I started crying and she said I was "acting like a two-year old." Because I said, "I'm screwed. He gets to run off with his girlfriend and have a great time and I'm screwed."

Then I went with my realtor to look at 10 houses and out of those 10, I would only consider living in two and neither one is making me too happy. Those were just the only ones I would even consider. One would mean driving all the way across town for work and taking my son to school. The other one doesn't even have a driveway. It has a garage in an alley way behind the house.

So I have two months to get out of this house, move in another one - - - BUT the kicker is, we have to have THREE CLOSINGS all on the SAME DAY to make this work. It's a long story and a huge mess.

I honestly right now feel as bad and as scared as I did when I first found out he was cheating on me three months ago. It's like I've just been kicked in the stomach AGAIN.

April Fool

I love brand new months now. Each new month that comes means I'm closer and closer to not feeling like shit anymore. So Happy April, Me!

I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad first? Okay. I cried again last night. Grr. BUT I have two good newses! Good news #1: I may have already sold my house and it's only been shown once. Good news #2: My blind date was actually kind of fun and I'm seeing him again next week.

SO. Things I have to try and remember:
1) The ex isn't worth the salt in my tears.
2) Don't take dating so seriously. Just go out and have fun - meet new people.

Leave for Vegas tomorrow. Should be interesting!

Exactly three months in.

Blind date guy didn't work out. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him - - except he was on his 2nd DUI. Back to the drawing board - - and a guy who sells coffee for a living. Supposed to call him this afternoon but you know, I don't really want to screw with it. Dating - meeting new people - is kind of a total pain in the ass. I'm not one for small talk and that's all this is. Small talk galore. Ugh.

And - surprise, surprise - my ex is all over the same dating sites now. So when I log in and hunt for matches, of course his picture pops up. The picture that I took when we were married. I'm not in the mood to talk about him right now so I'll change the subject.

I mowed my giant lawn today. Took me 2 1/2 hours but I finally got it done. The ex (there I go again) came over yesterday and showed me how to work the mower. It's a beautiful day today so it wasn't that bad. I was pretty sore all over afterward so I'm thinking I got a pretty good workout in!

My realtor also came over yesterday and looked over the house. I signed a bunch of paperwork to put the house on the market. She's just waiting for me to clean it so she can take pictures and list it. Which means I'll have to keep up on the cleaning for showings. Something I haven't been that good at lately. There's shoes EVERYWHERE. I just don't care anymore. Breaks my heart to sell this place. Such a fantastic house in such a perfect neighborhood. I wonder if I'll ever be this happy again in another house and area. The thought scares me.

The lawyers are working on custody issues right now. Seems that Jim has Erik so much it's almost 50/50 in which case my lawyer says that he shouldn't have to pay full child support. So I faxed her a copy of March's calendar which shows that I actually have him 65% to Jim's 35%. Waiting to hear back from her.

Went on a motorcycle ride with R yesterday. Was actually really fun - - albeit a little scary. The weather is just so perfect lately. Was nice to ride around and feel the wind on my face.

Okay. Can't put it off any longer. Time to go talk to BLIND DATE #2. Bring on the small talk.

Look at the exciting future.

I am now the (not-so) proud member of three different online dating sites. After I quit talking to R, I became down again - - not crying - the crying has pretty much stopped - - just down. I realized that R was helping numb the pain. So I did what any dumb ass would do in this situation and got online and started talking to complete strangers.

I've been on them for about a week and so far, I've only agreed to meet up with one guy. Meeting him tomorrow for ice cream and my very first ever blind date.

You might be thinking, "no, it's too soon, you need to wait till the divorce is final and you feel better, concentrate on your son and your job and you blah blah blah" - - or maybe I'm thinking that. Either way, ultimately I decided - - what do I have to lose. Besides, it takes my mind off of things.

Spring has sprung and the weather has been awesome lately. My weight has yo-yo'ed but I'm averaging about 13 lbs lost so I've bought some new spring clothes in a smaller size which is pretty cool. I've gotten used to the contacts now - - not sure if anyone else has - my son still tries to put my glasses on me. I'm going to Vegas in a couple of weeks with my folks so that should be fun. Escape is GOOD. Especially to a brand new place I've never been before.

I wish I could say I'm all healed up and it's all good but that's of course not the case. I was just looking over old messages on Facebook and came across one with the ex from January. And of course you can see the current profile picture he's using and that brought me down for a sec. Kind of gives me the shivers actually. Like, I can't believe just a short 3 months ago, I was living with that person. I was married to that person. I was a totally different person.

I either read or saw recently where someone said, "Don't look at the sad past. Look at the exciting future." I need to post that all over my house. Look at the exciting future...

If You've Got to be Dumped...

Then winter is a good time for it. Gives you an excuse to stay in, hide under a blanket, and not worry about things like yard work, or selling your house right away.

But now Spring is coming. In fact, our weather has been so crazy that the temps are actually going to be as high as 76 later this week. Which means, more uncharted territory.

Over the weeks I've struggled with keeping this house vs selling this house. The more I get used to things, the more I'm leaning toward just staying here. However, until I get exact amounts from THE LAWYERS I won't know if I can afford to refinance. So I'm waiting on that before I list the house.

The lawyers have begun going back and forth now. They're currently discussing custody arrangements. It's funny... the lawyers seem to be fighting more than me and my ex are. I just want it over with so I can fully move on and make some decisions.

Since I posted last, I don't think I've cried once. I've gotten mad a couple of times and the sadness is still there... but the despair seems to be gone. One thing that is helping with that is my weight loss. The other day I was down 14 pounds. I've since gained a couple back. But yesterday I went to Old Navy and actually fit into some much smaller sweaters that I'd usually wear. So that euphoric feeling is kind of taking over the "whoa is me" crap.

I also ditched R because he wasn't putting me first at all - - and who needs that? I'm tired of being men's second priority. I also joined a couple of dating websites. That's been interesting to say the least. No dates yet, but some odd conversations - including an hour-long one last night at 1AM with a guy that lives an hour away! Again, he's got two kids and a job he loves so he's not going anywhere and neither am I so finally cut the conversation off and said Adios. Difficult to do
'cause he seemed really cool but I feel like I'm getting stronger and that I'm not going to settle.

I'll be okay on my own until somebody better comes along. I'll be okay...

Just Whatever

Dreamed about firemen last night. Reason #218 to hate my ex: I now cringe everytime I see a fireman. I used to be so proud of my ex because of his job. When in reality, when I think about it, he just sat around in a lazyboy watching TV all day until an alarm came in. Most alarms were for elderly who fell down or drunks who passed out. Not that those folks didn't need help, but let's face it, my ex wasn't exactly MR. HELPFUL. If I asked him to hang up some shelves or something at home, OH MY GOD, you would have thought I'd asked him to dig me an 8 foot trench or something. Besides, when he wasn't watching TV, apparently he was sexting his girlfriend. Awesome.

It's reasons like these that make me wonder why it bothers me so much that he's gone. And while it isn't on my mind as much as it used to be, it's still there. Nagging at me. It really pisses me off. Because I know, without one shred of doubt, that he is not thinking of me right now. Or writing a sappy blog about me. Yet, here I am.

What's even more annoying is that he's looking really good these days. He's probably lost 20 lbs, so he doesn't have that huge belly anymore. I hate that he's all fit and trim for his new girlfriend. So the best revenge that I can think of is to get fit and trim myself. Only he's ALWAYS been able to lose weight quicker than I can. I've only lost 10 lbs. I owe some of that to Zumba and the rest to stress and depression. I didn't eat very much in January. But I'm sad to say that my appetite has returned. My ex and I used to eat tons of fast food and I'd gotten away from that, but now it's coming back. I'm having a really difficult time shopping and cooking for one. It's bizarre. Last time I went to the store, I actually bought some of those tiny canned vegetables. You know, the tiny corn and tiny green beans. And they're still in my pantry.

So then I try to invite people over for dinner so I have someone to cook for. Pathetic huh? Whatever works, I guess.

The ex sent me an email a week ago which said something like, "I have to compliment you. The "fuck that guy" makeover is looking really good on you. I'm sorry I hurt you like that." blah blah I can't remember it exactly. Which is surprising since I read it about 20 times. OH YEAH. He said something like, "I'm glad you're able to move on after what I've done."

Gross.

He dropped our son off the other night and I had my contacts in. I'm sure I looked super awesome with my pajamas on, absolutely no makeup, and contacts. He didn't say anything at first and I thought he'd just let it go and then a surprised, "Are you wearing contacts?" I said, "Yes." Really deadpan. Ordinarily I'd be like, "Yeah!! What do you think?" or something happy like that. But I really found myself not wanting to discuss it with him. Like it was none of his business. He was trying to gain some insight I guess 'cause then he said something like, "Do they feel funny?" (????) Again, a deadpan "Yep." And then his reply, "Wow. Okay" and he was gone.

I think I look like my grandma with my contacts in. I used to look like my mom with my glasses and now I look like my grandma. Droopy eyelids, wrinkles, and everything. Of course, I haven't had any makeup on lately because of the difficulty of getting these large spikes into my eyeballs. Which, by the way, is getting only a TAD bit easier since I got them on Wednesday. My vision is all screwy because I need bifocals and these aren't bifocal lenses. So right now as I type this out, the text is blurry, then I can see, then it's blurry again - - it's weird. I go back for a check up on Wednesday so I'll be sure to tell the dr this.

Anyway, back to the "fuck that guy" makeover. I don't really think of it that way. I think of it more as a NEW ME makeover. I don't want to be Mrs. H anymore. I want to be a new, improved (or just absolutely different looking) Deanna. Kind of goes with the shopping thing. If I'm surrounded by new, I can't remember the old. As much.

My "boyfriend" is coming over for a movie tonight. Can I call him that? Okay, "R" is coming over for a movie tonight. This is good. It will force me to tidy myself up. I'm bad about "pajama weekends" if I don't have plans.

Oh - - 9 weeks by the way. Two months separated. And I mailed all that crap off to my lawyer so I suppose it's a matter of time before Douche gets served. Will he have a party? Fuck him.

UPDATE: Got the copy from my lawyer today. The divorce has officially been filed. I didn't cry.

Eight Weeks (but who's counting?)

I've been doing a lot of shopping lately.

It all started on Valentine's Day (gag) when I decided to go to the mall and by myself a gift. The mall is a lonely, lonely place on Valentine's Day. Just me, a dozen or so men, and a lot of black teenagers. Anyway, two hours later, I was walking out with a new purse, necklace, earrings, ring, two shirts, and a whole bunch of new underwear. CUTE ones.

The shopping almost gave me a high - - like a "Oh you're going to leave me, huh? Then I'm going to go out and buy ALL NEW STUFF" high. So, today I did some more shopping. I actually went out and bought myself a pair of Uggs. Then I went to Lenscrafters and bought myself a new pair of glasses. (A necessity since I have to switch to bifocals so I can READ again, but still. I got the NICE ones.) After that, I went to TJ Maxx and bought a few new towels.

Guess I'm just trying to make EVERY SINGLE THING new. Like, no trace of Douche. If there's no trace of him, there's no memories. Less memories, anyway. Makes me feel a little bit better. Still. Debt is a bad thing too, so I need to chill out on the shopping for awhile.

I don't talk to Douche that much anymore in case you're wondering. I do have to see him every third day or so when we swap Erik. And we'll occasionally text - - but it's always about our son. My stepmom asked me the other day if Douche ever talks to me about anything - - I guess she's expecting him to apologize, or beg for me to come back or something - - but no. He's civil but extremely impersonal. He says things like, "I gave him a bath last night. There's some stuff in his backpack. Thanks. Bye." 14 years together and that's all I get. Probably just as well though. 'Cause if he did talk to me more, I might get the wrong idea, and start pining again. So I guess I'd rather him stay an asshole.

Meanwhile, I've been dating my old boyfriend. He's got a crazy job that only allows us to see each other on Friday and Saturdays, but we're usually together anymore. Wish I could say, "He's wonderful! Everything I've ever wanted! Douche who?" But I can't. It's just too soon to go there. But I do enjoy his company and sometimes, he can make me forget all this mess. So I'm very thankful that he's here.

I get my contacts in a few days. That will be crazy. Glasses in a couple of weeks. Going to Vegas for the first time in a month so I'm looking forward to getting away for awhile. Work is better now. I no longer have to just put my head down from time to time so that's good. I also haven't cried for a few days. YES. That feels good. However, my dad's health is slipping and I see him getting weaker. So I'm worried about him and going through that alone. Taking it day by day.

Taking everything day by day...

Seven Weeks In

Let's see. Well, I got my hair cut off and colored and made it as different as possible. I also ordered contacts and they should be coming in soon so I'll post a picture of THE NEW ME as soon as I get them. The hair isn't too drastic of a change since it was short already, but I've gotten a lot of compliments on it - from everyone at work to the lady at Taco Gringo to Douche - everyone says it looks great. So that made me feel pretty good!

I'm almost done completing all of the financial documents for my lawyer and I filed my last "married, filing jointly" taxes last night. Douche and I have agreed to split the refund down the middle. It's not much but it's enough to pay my mom and stepdad back some of the money I owe them for the retainer. I plan on getting all the paperwork back to her next week so she should start drawing up the final petition or whatever it's called - - divorce papers.

Douche just picked up Erik this morning and seemed overly happy. I wonder if he's dating. None of my business anymore but I like it much better when he's miserable.

Time for Zumba. I'll write more later.

Six Weeks In

My son's party was a lot of fun. He was so excited, he forgot to get mad when his dad dropped him off. He saw the balloons and cake and was so happy. "Caa!!" (Cake!) he said, over and over. And when the guests arrived, he was in heaven. It was the first party I've thrown solo in --- I can't remember how long. But I did it. And we had 16 guests. I'm not sure if everyone that came was there for him or for me - - or maybe for both of us. But everyone showed up. I had my picture taken with every one of them. I ordered prints today and will hang them up in my dining room to remind me of all the support I have from my family and friends. Even though I don't talk to them every day, I know they're out there if I need them.

My son was with me all day today. I have a cold that is hanging on so I had to take a nap for awhile. Wish I could use that as an excuse as to why me and my son stayed in our pajamas all day. But I guess I just lacked motivation. I did start filling out some of the financial paperwork that the lawyer requested but it's confusing so I stopped. A side note - - yesterday at noon I emailed Douche that I would need some financial stuff from him and W-2's. He brought everything with him four hours later when he dropped off my son. Seems like he's in an awfully big hurry to get divorced. Yee haw. Once again, I averted my eyes and didn't look at him. I took the documents (I never say "thank you") and he went on his way.

Tonight I was watching Tangled and started sobbing. Serious. Sobbing to a cartoon. It was the part where they were in the boat and the lanterns are floating and they're falling in love, blah blah blah. And all I could think about was that I thought Douche and I were in love. But we weren't. He wasn't. Just me I guess. I also remembered seeing the movie with his daughter when she was living with us last year and how I'll never see her again. I just started sobbing and sobbing until my mascara was a hot mess and my eyes burned from it.

I want to be strong. Move on. Never cry again. I want to not remember anything. I want to just concentrate on my son, my job, my future. But "there's always something there to remind me" and I regress again. I'm just so angry that he did this to me. My marriage was always something that I was really proud of. And now it's just a big joke and I'm just another statistic. One more single mom.

It's very difficult to imagine that I'll ever be in a relationship again. When someone you thought loved you - leaves you, and you thought you were best friends and everything was going great - - it makes you question yourself. Why didn't he love me enough? What's wrong with me? And if he couldn't love me, then how could anyone else?

Guess I'm just feeling a little defeated lately. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I don't cry every day. But when I do, whoa. I let it all out. I'd say at this point, I'm crying every four days or so. Looking forward to the day when I don't cry over him anymore.

He's not worth it.

The Lawyer

Finally met my lawyer today. My friend Lynne went with me, thank goodness. I was a nervous wreck. The lawyer was very nice and really seems to know what she's doing which is good. I didn't get all of my questions answered like I'd hoped - - for example, how much my child support would be - - because she has to do some leg work first and get back with me. She did tell me that if he doesn't fight me, we should be able to wrap this up in six weeks. I told Lynne that I hoped my girlfriends would throw me a "STARTING OVER" party on the day that happens.

Right now I have to get some payroll documents from Douche and file our taxes for 2011. More later when I get some more news.

Today is my son's birthday and I have about 15 people coming to the house in 4 hours so it's hard to wrap my head around what's happening in Divorce Land. I'm too busy making a Thomas cake. I'll cry later.

(BTW, this is the first "event" I've planned without Douche. I was running all over town. It's not fun doing this on my own, that's for sure...)

Time to vent.

Each month I have make a visitation schedule for Douche to see our son. Because of his strange work schedule, the days are constantly rotating. Because of me taking a night Zumba class, I let Douche keep our son until I can pick him up after my work out. I almost prefer picking him up to him being dropped off. I hate seeing Douche walk quietly away from what used to be our house. It's like he's leaving me over... and over.... and over.

So I'm reading that book - It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. Come to find out, it's not written for divorcing women with children. Because chapter 7 says "Don't see him or talk to him for 60 days." Which is totally impossible for me to do with my son. It would be different if my son didn't have special needs so that he needs escorted to the door. It's not like he can hop out of dad's van and run into our house. He needs to be brought up or he won't get out of the vehicle.

So I'm making the schedule for March right now and I've cut out some of my son's time with his dad - - just so I can pick him up from school instead of seeing Douche. As it is right now, I've got 2/3 of the month's schedule done and I already have to see Douche 6 times!! When all is said and done, I'll probably have to see him 8-9 times that month. It's horrible. I envy those single moms that can say "I get him one week, you get him the next" or those single moms who's sons can simply hop in and out of cars on their own. Not seeing Douche or talking to him is what I need right now. And I just do not see any way out of it.

Update: I just completed the visitation schedule for March. Then I compared how many times I've had to see/will see Douche in Jan, Feb and March. In Jan and Feb, I counted 10 times. I know, that's a LOT. :( BUT in March, I was able to get it down to 8. I had to cut a few of his evenings but hey, I could care less. Screw him.

Five weeks in.

Mixed feelings this weekend. I'm finding that seeing HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED really brings me down. Yesterday he came to pick up my son and I kept my eyes averted - - but the damage was done. I went to Zumba, drove back home, and as I pulled into the garage, started crying hysterically. I think it was seeing the house. This was our dream house and we were so happy when we bought it. Whatever. So I sat in my car and cried for awhile. Like gut-wrenching sob-crying. I also realized, I didn't have any plans for the day. I had planned on going to a movie with R but I cancelled. I just can't go there right now. I need to get my head on straight before I start seriously (or even unseriously) start seeing men. (I texted R this morning to say that I'd just like to be friends if possible. That was 30 mins ago and he hasn't replied.) Sooo, in the sad sack state I was in, my eyes all puffy and hurting, I went back to bed and took a nap.

When I woke up, I felt better. And my stepmom called me which always cheers me up. She's wanting to fix me up with a guy that she knows who's an engineer. I told her sure, but take her time.

So here are the before and after pictures of my bedroom that I promised:

Before

After

It's a lot brighter and happier now. Needs some more artwork on the walls but I can take care of that later. But yeah, got rid of all the depressing dark wood.

And here's a picture that my son took of me a couple of weeks ago:



Starting over....

JUST MOVE ON ALREADY.

So I'm reading this book called "It's Called a Break-Up Because it's Broken" and in it they say DO NOT CALL YOUR EX. DO NOT CALL YOUR EX. THEY DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. YOU'LL ONLY FEEL BAD EVERY TIME YOU HANG UP. And the book is right. So I thought, "I'm not going to call...." But then he's got my son so I had to call to see if he could keep him an extra 30 mins. And he tells me he's hired a lawyer of his own since I'm "getting the best divorce lawyer in town." And I told him I thought he wasn't going to contest anything and he said he doesn't want to but wants someone else to look over the agreement. And when I got off the phone, I totally agreed with what I had read the night before in that dang book. That I do always feel like crap after talking with him. UGH!!! It just ticks me off so much that I'm miserable and he's so dang happy to be getting rid of me. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On another note, I called the bank today and found out that I can sell this house without selling the other one first. And after Douche's name is off of this loan, he can apply for a new loan to buy the old house so I won't have to worry about it anymore. And then after I sell this house, I'll have about 50k to put on a new one. Because I know I'm going to take a hit on this house since the market SUCKS ASS right now and I'd like to have some extra cash to put a security system on a new house. Makes me feel safer at night knowing that I have that alarm. I've kind of gotten used to having one!

On even another note, I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend a lot (we'll call him R) and he's coming over Friday for dinner and a movie and to meet my son. I wouldn't necessarily recommend contacting an old flame if you've just been dumped by your husband because it's very confusing and you can't help but compare him to the asshole that just dumped you. And that's not very fair to the old flame. As for R, he seems fine with it although I haven't really told him the full scope of how dejected I feel right now. And part of me is wondering if this is just something I'm doing to boost my self esteem. And then another part of me is saying "WHO CARES. YOU'RE THINKING TOO MUCH. GO OUT AND HAVE FUN. JEESH!!!"

I think the 2nd part of me is winning over the 1st part.

Four Weeks In.

Amazing. One month has gone by since life was turned upside down.

Went on a date with my old boyfriend last night. We went to a show and had a good time. Took my mind off of things. I imagine we'll hook up again soon but I'm trying to keep things in perspective. And it was so strange being with another guy! Even though I've known him for years... just felt like I was cheating all night. Can't explain it. Like, I found myself wondering if anyone that had known me and my ex was there and saying, "WTF is Deanna doing with that other guy!??" But then I reminded myself that Douche cheated on me and does not want to reconcile so I was able to relax a little after that. I'm sure it will be even easier next time we go out.

I've been reading some books to help me get through this mess. Just finished reading Surviving Separation and Divorce which was okay. I don't know about the whole "secure a financial future" part - because I don't remember too much about that. But it was nice reading about the author's own story - mostly because she also had children with special needs. So now I'm reading It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken by the same guy that wrote "He's Just Not That Into You" and it's taking a humorous spin on just getting over the jerk and moving on. I'm only on chapter 3 though so I'll let you know if it's worth reading later. So far, it's kind of funny. Hmm. Here I am reading self help books on how to survive this crap and I'll just bet that Douche is reading comic books or novels. HATE. HIM.

And no, still not done painting the night tables so those "after" shots are going to have to wait for another day. I'm keeping so busy now-a-days that I don't have too much down time for painting! I also didn't get my hair cut the other day - long story. And now I have to wait until Feb 9th to get in to see her. Ugh!! My hair will be totally gross by then...

Up. Down. Up. Down. Sideways. Down.

Having a sad day today. I did manage to get some knitting done this morning and eat lunch. In a few hours I'll be going to Zumba and talking to some friends so that will be nice. Then I come home and BAM - - Douche will be at my door bringing my son home. Then I'm sure I'll be down again.

I did manage to get my old bedroom furniture painted and began preparing for the big switch. Douche will be taking our new set and I'm keeping the old. I also went out with a friend yesterday and hit the antique stores and managed to find an inexpensive nightstand to replace that one that he took. Then I went and bought some aqua paint. Going to paint the two night stands and dresser mirror this robin egg blue color. It's so strange to be decorating for just me. I'm not used to it at all. A totally foreign concept. Douche hated white furniture - especially in the bedroom. I was always a fan of the shabby chic look but that was always frowned upon. So now that he's out of the picture, I'm GOING FOR IT.

I took a before photo of the bedroom but I have to switch out the bed and get the side tables painted before I can post the after photo. But pictures are coming soon. Hopefully by next weekend.

I'm also getting a haircut this Thursday - - although I can't do anything drastically different (like I'd prefer) because my hair is already short. Drat. I could do something with color but I'd have to make another appointment for that. So maybe next time.

Three weeks in.

At this point, I can't remember what I have or haven't talked about. So if you're following this and I repeat myself, I apologize.

Last week I got the courage up to delete Douche on facebook. This is awesome because now I can visit facebook (something I really enjoy doing) and not have to worry about seeing his happy-ass posts that bring me down. I also deleted my son's account so I couldn't look at his stuff through my son. But guess what. His info and wall are PUBLIC. So... guess what I did? Yep. Went in there and looked. And guess what I found? That he'd deleted every photo he had of me. Which probably took him about two minutes to do. Meanwhile, my facebook photos section is 80% him and it's a HUGE collection. To delete every photo of him in it would take me forever. So what I'm going to try to do instead is make NEW albums WITHOUT Douche in them. So if I come over to your house, don't be surprised to see me with a camera.

Meanwhile, I've been speaking with my old boyfriend. We're going to see a movie next weekend. We talked about how it's just a "friends" thing, how neither one of us wants to remarry EVER, and that nothing extracurricular would happen until I'm divorced - if it happens at all. But in the mean time, he makes me feel pretty again and he's a fun diversion. And that's good enough for me. I was actually able to talk to him last night on the phone and NOT compare him to Douche every ten seconds.

Speaking of Douche, he came and dropped our son off last night and took a few things, and I was able to say "Okay bye" and walk away and be OKAY. That was big for me. I feel like I'm getting a little used to being on my own now. I'm still very angry and upset with him for doing this to me. I wish I had the $$ to see a therapist. I may call our old one and ask if she could base her fee on my pay. I checked my insurance and it doesn't seem to pay for therapy.

It's been snowing here lately. Which means I had to shovel my driveway. I was pretty proud of myself for getting this done. It wasn't much snow, but it still made me happy that I was able to get it done on my own. Next job - take the car in for an oil change.

I've got gross news and I've got good news.

So yesterday I got to thinking. This is stupid. What Douche and I had was much more important than whatever he had with his two-week long girlfriend, right? We could go to counseling, we could sleep in separate bedrooms, we could - - I don't know. Not get divorced.

So I told him this.

His reply was, "If that woman called me tomorrow and said she wanted to give it another try, I would say yes."

Wheee! I'm sorry, what? Can you twist that knife in my stomach just a little bit more, Dear?

So, apparently what we had wasn't important enough to him. After I got over the initial shock of hearing this, I was able to say, "Well. I guess there isn't anything left to say." And I hung up.

I did feel a little bit stronger today. Well, I guess I should say I'm "having a strong day today" because tomorrow I might be a weeping mess of goo. Douche even told me, "I don't know if I'm going to be talking to Joking Deanna, Sad Deanna, Mad Deanna - it changes everyday." And he's right. That about sums me up.

I'm still doing Zumba and hanging out with friends and family as much as possible. My mom and stepdad have been awesome these past two weeks, helping me feel a little bit more financially secure and my mom tried to redecorate my whole house so I had some new Doucheless stuff. My dad, who was a fireman like Douche is, is going to help me make a list of firefighter pay benefits that I can take to my lawyer so she doesn't have to do as much work - - thus making the retainer last longer. My stepmom has been calling me and checking up on me, offering to make me dinner or buy me a manicure. My friend Ed went to see a really bad movie with me (thanks Ed). My friend Lynne brought me flowers, donuts, and oranges and took me out for margaritas. My friend Lisa always listens to my sobbing vents and never acts like she's sick of hearing them. My friend Jill keeps reading this depressing blog and sends me detailed Facebook messages and advice. My friend Kim is doing Zumba with me three days a week. My stepsister Jill has been sending me smiling baby texts of her little girl and calls it "Baby Therapy" which always makes me smile. My stepsister Jamie has given me lots of "I know exactly how you're feeling" advice because she's been in my shoes and she's still single (which means she doesn't have to rush home to a happy husband and I don't have to cope with happy when I'm with her). My brother Ty has been facebooking me a little more often and making me laugh. He also lets me and Erik come over to his house which Erik LOVES. My sister-in-law Erin sent me so many inspirational texts one day that I was cracking up. At work I've gotten hugs from Sandy, Liz, Deb, and my principal. My friend Dave drives by Douche's house and flips him off for me. And I can't forget my little boy who gives me lots of tight hugs, says "Awww" and gives me kisses.

I really do have a wonderful support system right now. And there's some comfort in knowing that Douche probably does not. He's told me that all of his remaining friends are either very disappointed in him or just avoid the issue altogether saying it's none of their business. And for some reason (not sure why though) he's very depressed and angry. Part of that may be because things didn't work out with the other woman who ended up going back to her husband and texted mine saying he didn't even mean anything to her. You're right, Douche. "Karma is a bitch."

Speaking of which, I was finally able to delete Douche on Facebook. Not an easy thing since I was stalking him on a daily basis. I cried pretty hard when I did that. I also sadly deleted my stepdaughters (I messaged the older one telling her it was nothing personal and to take care of one another) and unsadly deleted my mother-in-law. I also deleted any close friends of Douche's that would remain his friends so I didn't have to see their stupid happy-go-lucky posts. When I did that, I was making a choice to MOVE ON. Move forward. Everytime I looked at his page, it was a big step in the wrong direction. And now that there's absolutely no chance of a reconciliation, it's time to move on. Even if it's hard as hell.

Two weeks in.

Just spent some time rearranging my basement. Trying to fill in the empty space a little bit. It was a big house to begin with - even with his stuff in it. Now it seems huge and empty. I don't go down in the basement too often anyway. Basically just store stuff. Seems a huge waste though. It's very large and partially finished with cabinets on one side, a utility sink, tons of shelving. Perfect for band rehersal. Not so perfect for a single mom. I guess I could make it into a play room for Erik. His drums are down there. That might be a thought.

I also now have a completely empty third bedroom. There's an ironing board in there. And the bedroom furniture that I want to paint but can't bring myself to do. I got the farthest today though. I'm sitting here in my paint clothes, and the paint and drop cloth are upstairs where the furniture is. I just can't bring myself to paint. I just have no motivation.

Motivation is very difficult right now. I joined a Zumba class with my friend Kim. I actually have my mom to thank for that one. She forced me to go on Wednesday when I was at my 2nd lowest (1st low being the night I found out). It was fun with mom and Kim there. This morning, not so much. I'll keep going just to get out of the house and possibly lose some weight though. Not giving up on it.

Not motivated to keep my house clean either. This is a biggie because my house is so large. It takes lots of maintenance. Dusting and vaccumming have totally fallen by the wayside. I'm doing good to get my dishes and laundry done right now. I figure, I'll catch up on things if I have guests over or when I'm feeling better.

Paid the bills for the first time in three years. Bill pay rocks. Problem is, I only have $111 to last me the next two weeks. I'm trying to remember what I've been spending money on. Gas, Zumba, groceries, and a couple of dinners out. I'm trying to come up with ways to save but again, this house is really expensive. I should probably get rid of cable but then what the heck am I going to do? I watch TV a lot more now than I used to.

Went to a movie with a friend last night. And then my ex-boyfriend came over for a visit. That was interesting. Weird, but interesting. He told me that he always regretted breaking up with me and that we had a good thing going. It was nice to feel desired again. He kept hinting about taking me out but never asked and I didn't push it. We don't have much in common anymore anyway and I want to be divorced before I start seeing anyone. Even as "old friends" 'cause who knows where that can lead.

Friends have told me to try and stop looking at the past and look to the future. But the past is everywhere I look. It's all over this house, my son, my car, my job, my friends, my family. They say to stop trying to figure out what's going to happen, just to take things minute by minute. "Live for the moment." Except all I can do is wish for a year to be gone so I won't feel this way anymore. Jeesh. Two weeks and it feels like it's been months since things have been normal for me.

I know I sound like a sad sack right now but I'm not like this all the time. It depends. Like yesterday was a good day for me. I was still sad but I was able to push things out of my mind from time to time. I think it was because I was wearing my new "sexy jeans." I typically don't feel too sexy in my "teacher clothes." But on Fridays we can wear jeans and I have a new pair of super tight, super cute jeans that make me feel slimmer and look taller. And when I look good, I feel good. Wish I could afford another pair of those jeans...

Douche is dropping our son off to me at 5pm. He's also bringing some of my things over from the old house and taking some more of his crap. I asked him yesterday if we could maybe be friends some day and he said he would like that. So I've got that going for me. I get to be friends with my ex who I never wanted to be divorced to in the first place. Yippee.

Ugh... not in a very good mood right now. Feeling very down. I think I'll go take a nap.

Things to look forward to in the future:
1) Not feeling so damned depressed.

Uh... that's all I can come up with right now.

Wow. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.

He came and got the rest of his stuff today while I was at work. The basement is empty. The closet is empty. The bookshelves are empty.

The pain is overwhelming. You can't even imagine.

Never text 7 people at a time.

I thought this was getting easier but actually, I've gone a little downhill lately. It may be because my ex (who will now be known as "Douche") has had my son for the past three days and I'm very lonely in the house. It may also be because I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT DOUCHE. WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES???? I JUST WANT MY BRAIN TO GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now. That being said, I haven't cried. I've been on the verge, but no actual tears. Just major depression, sad sack crap.

Started back to work today. I'm a teacher so we had a "work in your room" day today without students. They return tomorrow. Man. Talk about a downer - jeesh. Okay, here's the deal with me and work. Douche is a fireman. His schedule is 24 hrs on, 48 hrs off. And he had no second job (unless you count playing Xbox or sexting girlfriends). So when I would work, I would always be so happy on his days off because I knew he would be there waiting for me. On his work days, I would go pick up my son from school and we'd go home and have a quiet night since my son can't really say anything other than "CAR! PA PA! TY! ENN!"

When Douche and I were talking the other day he said going to work is the only thing that's normal for him now and he looks forward to it. For me, it's just the opposite because I have nothing to go home to afterward.

So, and I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, I'm going to start a 2-day a week Zumba class after work starting tomorrow. I'm also trying to stay as busy as I can with friends and family.

For example, and this is kind of funny, I was so bummed out at work today (at one point I just sat there at my desk with my head in my hands for like... five minutes). And my phone hadn't rang once, no texts or anything - - not like people can usually call me or anything while I'm at work so I'm not blaming them. SO, I got the bright idea to send a text out that read "Really feeling down today. Could use some words of encouragement" ----to seven friends and family members. While I did get lots of encouraging words, it also ground my work to a halt for about 30 minutes as I fielded calls. Guess I shouldn't have sent it to so many people.

THANK GOD for my mom, by the way. She agreed to meet me at noon for lunch AND came to my classroom to help me sort out my library - and THEN she took me out shopping and got me some awesome pretty pillows for my bed.

I must say, even though I feel like absolute crap, I am very lucky to have so many supportive friends and family. Thanks to those of you that are reading this depressing ass blog. I guess it's true what they say. It gets worse before it gets better...

By the way - - I'm starting to get a little angrier lately. That's probably a good thing, right?

One week down. And I do mean "down."

I remember reading somewhere about the five stages of grief. I think it was 1) Sadness, 2) Denial, 3) Anger, 4) Acceptance, 5) Healing. I might be totally wrong too. But anyway, according to my own little chart, I think I'm at number 2. It's very hard for me to think that Jim will never be back in my life the way he used to be. And I understand that no self-respecting woman would ever consider taking back a 3-time cheater. And I have no plans on a reconciliation. But he was such a good friend. It's been very hard to cut those ties. If he had been violent, if he had been angry with me, if he had said horrible things to me, maybe it would be easier to move on. As it was, we had a lot of laughs. Great.

So, just like last time after I kicked him out of the house (back in 2003), my car broke down. And he had to come and fix it for me. I HATE that. But he's the only guy I know that knows anything about cars and I knew he would help me, so I called him up and of course he came straight over this morning. I had a dead battery so he took me to Walmart (I sat in the back with Erik), I was able to purchase a new one (thanks to my mom and stepdad who gave me all the money from Jim's returned Xmas gifts), and Jim was able to put it in for me. Car started right up. Stupid car.

The problem with me and Jim - - and there are sooo many right now - - is that we really miss each other's company. So, dufus that I am, I invited him in and he stayed for an hour and we talked. Yes it was awkward. No I'm not proud of it. But there it is. I know he was cheating, and lying to me. And I remember all the things he's said/done over the years. And that gives me the strength to say "Okay well... I guess you should get going then." And he does. I'm not going to invite him over for dinner and a movie any time soon - or ever. I'm just saying that I'm only human and I'm very lonely. So yeah. I call that denial. I'm anxious to get on to Angry.

I start back to work in a couple of days. Jim said work is the only place he feels normal right now. I'm hoping that's how I feel too. So Jim is keeping Erik for me for the next three nights so I can get my grading and lesson plans done. I'm also meeting my stepmom tomorrow for a manicure and then my mom said she'd come over to the school on Tuesday and help me rearrange my classroom library. Wednesday night I thought I'd check out a free Zumba class and see if it might be something I'd be interested in doing a couple nights a week. (If anyone is interested in going with me, let me know!)

On a depressing note, I found an "Illinois child support calculator" online last night. Using one of Jim's check stubs, I punched in his monthly net, monthly child support to his other children, and health insurance costs. After all that, it spit out that I'd get a whopping $397 per month. Which is less than half of what he's giving me now. I was shocked. I thought I would qualify for more. And maybe the fact that Erik has a disability will be a factor in determining the exact amount and for how long I would get it. But even if I got $500 extra a month, that's not enough to let me keep this house. So that's really got me down right now. And you might be thinking "oh there's plenty of cute little houses out there and you don't need all that room anyway" - - - but I've been looking and there really isn't. Not right now anyway. And even if I can find a decent enough looking house, it's in a crappy neighborhood or out north.

I wish I could talk to that lawyer sooner than next month!!