Coping with happy.

Yesterday was a really good day for me. Up until I started drinking. My friend took me out for margaritas and bought me dinner. My day had been packed with plans. I'm still off work for the holidays, and the ex came to get my son and so I threw on a new sweater and was all smiles.

Then something happened last night. I think the reality of the situation hit me again. I think I forgot for a day. Which would be a good thing, if I didn't remember later. Also, my ex and I had been talking on the phone 9-10 times a day. About stupid stuff. "Your Tootsie DVD was in the DVD player. I'll bring it back." Crap that didn't need to be said at all. Maybe it's just us sorting things out. Maybe we miss each other. Maybe it's both. The thing is, it's not helping me separate myself. It's like we're still friends.

I woke up today and wanted to stay in bed. But I couldn't. So I got up and called my folks and asked for help paying for a lawyer retainer. And then I called the best lawyer in town and booked an appointment. Turns out she's so popular, that she's booked out for five weeks - but I made the appointment.

My mom suggested that I get as much legal information together as possible to take with me. She said the less phone calls that need to be made, the better chance I have of not having to pay her anymore than this outrageously expensive retainer. So I started looking through files. That's a killer, by the way. So much of his name everywhere - I hate it. Took longer than I like to admit but I found tax returns for the past three years, vital information like SSNs, previous divorce and child support information from his first marriage. I started pulling any information about my son I could find - documents that prove he has a severe disability and will need care for life - not just till age 18. I'm gathering all the bills and making a pile of those. Mortgage information - - - so much paper. It's unbelievable.

I'm pretty down today. Weepy. Don't want to get dressed. No appetite.

Anyway. "Coping with happy." That means that even though my life has been turned upside down - - everyone else's goes on happily. The friend that spent the last two days with me can't see me today because she has a date that she's excited about. Another friend is newly involved with someone, several other friends and family are happily married. When you first tell everyone this news, you get tons of company, phone calls, facebook messages, texts. Everyone is so sorry and they offer to help anyway they can. But after the shock wears off, they go back to their lives. But I'm still in shock. And I'm not getting as many messages, or phone calls anymore. Everyone has done their part and they've moved on. And I know I would have done the same thing. If I were still with my ex and a friend had been going through this, I would have called, sent messages - - and then I would tell them to let me know if there's anything I could do - and move on, checking in on them from time to time. Because we all have our own lives to live. But nothing has changed for me. I'm still crying. I'm still scared. I'm still in this big, stupid house all by myself.

Just got a message from my stepmom. She's sick and can't meet tonight. So I texted my ex and told him to bring my son home early.

Oh and I changed my ex's ringtone on my cell phone. It used to be "My Hero." Now it's "The End of the World as we Know it." I think it's pretty fitting. I wanted to do "She Fucking Hates Me" but didn't think that would be appropriate at work.