My son's party was a lot of fun. He was so excited, he forgot to get mad when his dad dropped him off. He saw the balloons and cake and was so happy. "Caa!!" (Cake!) he said, over and over. And when the guests arrived, he was in heaven. It was the first party I've thrown solo in --- I can't remember how long. But I did it. And we had 16 guests. I'm not sure if everyone that came was there for him or for me - - or maybe for both of us. But everyone showed up. I had my picture taken with every one of them. I ordered prints today and will hang them up in my dining room to remind me of all the support I have from my family and friends. Even though I don't talk to them every day, I know they're out there if I need them.
My son was with me all day today. I have a cold that is hanging on so I had to take a nap for awhile. Wish I could use that as an excuse as to why me and my son stayed in our pajamas all day. But I guess I just lacked motivation. I did start filling out some of the financial paperwork that the lawyer requested but it's confusing so I stopped. A side note - - yesterday at noon I emailed Douche that I would need some financial stuff from him and W-2's. He brought everything with him four hours later when he dropped off my son. Seems like he's in an awfully big hurry to get divorced. Yee haw. Once again, I averted my eyes and didn't look at him. I took the documents (I never say "thank you") and he went on his way.
Tonight I was watching Tangled and started sobbing. Serious. Sobbing to a cartoon. It was the part where they were in the boat and the lanterns are floating and they're falling in love, blah blah blah. And all I could think about was that I thought Douche and I were in love. But we weren't. He wasn't. Just me I guess. I also remembered seeing the movie with his daughter when she was living with us last year and how I'll never see her again. I just started sobbing and sobbing until my mascara was a hot mess and my eyes burned from it.
I want to be strong. Move on. Never cry again. I want to not remember anything. I want to just concentrate on my son, my job, my future. But "there's always something there to remind me" and I regress again. I'm just so angry that he did this to me. My marriage was always something that I was really proud of. And now it's just a big joke and I'm just another statistic. One more single mom.
It's very difficult to imagine that I'll ever be in a relationship again. When someone you thought loved you - leaves you, and you thought you were best friends and everything was going great - - it makes you question yourself. Why didn't he love me enough? What's wrong with me? And if he couldn't love me, then how could anyone else?
Guess I'm just feeling a little defeated lately. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I don't cry every day. But when I do, whoa. I let it all out. I'd say at this point, I'm crying every four days or so. Looking forward to the day when I don't cry over him anymore.
He's not worth it.
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