I remember reading somewhere about the five stages of grief. I think it was 1) Sadness, 2) Denial, 3) Anger, 4) Acceptance, 5) Healing. I might be totally wrong too. But anyway, according to my own little chart, I think I'm at number 2. It's very hard for me to think that Jim will never be back in my life the way he used to be. And I understand that no self-respecting woman would ever consider taking back a 3-time cheater. And I have no plans on a reconciliation. But he was such a good friend. It's been very hard to cut those ties. If he had been violent, if he had been angry with me, if he had said horrible things to me, maybe it would be easier to move on. As it was, we had a lot of laughs. Great.
So, just like last time after I kicked him out of the house (back in 2003), my car broke down. And he had to come and fix it for me. I HATE that. But he's the only guy I know that knows anything about cars and I knew he would help me, so I called him up and of course he came straight over this morning. I had a dead battery so he took me to Walmart (I sat in the back with Erik), I was able to purchase a new one (thanks to my mom and stepdad who gave me all the money from Jim's returned Xmas gifts), and Jim was able to put it in for me. Car started right up. Stupid car.
The problem with me and Jim - - and there are sooo many right now - - is that we really miss each other's company. So, dufus that I am, I invited him in and he stayed for an hour and we talked. Yes it was awkward. No I'm not proud of it. But there it is. I know he was cheating, and lying to me. And I remember all the things he's said/done over the years. And that gives me the strength to say "Okay well... I guess you should get going then." And he does. I'm not going to invite him over for dinner and a movie any time soon - or ever. I'm just saying that I'm only human and I'm very lonely. So yeah. I call that denial. I'm anxious to get on to Angry.
I start back to work in a couple of days. Jim said work is the only place he feels normal right now. I'm hoping that's how I feel too. So Jim is keeping Erik for me for the next three nights so I can get my grading and lesson plans done. I'm also meeting my stepmom tomorrow for a manicure and then my mom said she'd come over to the school on Tuesday and help me rearrange my classroom library. Wednesday night I thought I'd check out a free Zumba class and see if it might be something I'd be interested in doing a couple nights a week. (If anyone is interested in going with me, let me know!)
On a depressing note, I found an "Illinois child support calculator" online last night. Using one of Jim's check stubs, I punched in his monthly net, monthly child support to his other children, and health insurance costs. After all that, it spit out that I'd get a whopping $397 per month. Which is less than half of what he's giving me now. I was shocked. I thought I would qualify for more. And maybe the fact that Erik has a disability will be a factor in determining the exact amount and for how long I would get it. But even if I got $500 extra a month, that's not enough to let me keep this house. So that's really got me down right now. And you might be thinking "oh there's plenty of cute little houses out there and you don't need all that room anyway" - - - but I've been looking and there really isn't. Not right now anyway. And even if I can find a decent enough looking house, it's in a crappy neighborhood or out north.
I wish I could talk to that lawyer sooner than next month!!
No comments:
Post a Comment