Deep breath...

"She's torn up plenty, but she'll fly true." - Zoey, after her husband has been killed, reporting on the status of their ship, on Serenity

This is the 2nd day that I've known I have no other choice but to divorce my husband of 13 years. I know this is going to be a very painful process so I thought I would blog about it for two reasons. One - I'm hoping it helps me cope. It helps to talk, and I lost the person I told everything to. Two - I'm hoping that by my last blog entry (who knows when that might be) - I might help someone else going through the same pain.

I'm not going to talk about how we met, or how wonderful I thought our marriage was - because those are two separate blogs unto themselves. Let's just say he was my best friend, we have one son (12), lived in a wonderful new house, had great jobs - everything was rosy. I thought.

For the last few weeks, I noticed my husband wasn't as affectionate as usual. He was distant which was odd. He was also rushing to the computer every chance he got - especially when I was in the other room - and made a big fuss over his cell phone breaking suddenly and not being able to receive texts. This was odd because neither one of us texted too often.

The two days leading up to Christmas 2011 were a whirlwind of family gatherings. Dinners, gifts, family photos - typical holiday stuff. But where usually I'm pretty happy about the holidays, I was actually kind of depressed. And I didn't know why. Then Christmas Eve came and my husband, son, and I opened our gifts. I know this is totally materialistic, but I spent over $500 on gifts for my husband including two pricy gadgets he'd always wanted for his guitar. He was happy as a lark. I don't think I barely smiled when I opened my knitting needle set, Kindle, and knitting magazines. And I wondered why he didn't notice that. I wondered why he didn't take my hand and ask me what was wrong...

Christmas day my husband was working (reason we opened our gifts the night before) so me and my son went to my mother's. Again, I was very depressed. I wasn't looking forward to opening gifts or eating prime rib or hanging out with my brother. I began thinking in my head that maybe I needed to start taking some sort of anti-depressant because I couldn't figure out what was wrong and this wasn't like me. My husband called me while I was over there and very happily told me "Merry Christmas" and "I love you!" I think I mumbled back to him but again, he didn't notice.

Later that night, I put my son to bed and started watching TV when my husband called again. "The guys are getting together for breakfast tomorrow morning - can I go?" Sure, I mumbled. If you want to. Then I talked to my mom and she mentioned how strange that was. Why would they all go to breakfast when they had spent all day and night together (he's a fireman) and they hadn't spend Christmas day with their families? It was like a slow light bulb went -ding-.

I got off the phone, put my movie on pause, walked to the computer and logged into his firefox and looked up his history. And there they were. Facebook messages from a gal named Lynn. I opened the first one, hoping against hope this was just an old pal from his home state and they were catching up. But they weren't. I couldn't read all of it, because I started shaking so severely it was hard to see. But what I did see was snipits of messages back and forth. She mentioned that her husband had noticed their "sexting." My husband mentioned that I had "made him watch a movie" with me. That my son and I wouldn't be home until 2:30. That her scent would stay with him all day. And he ended every message with *kiss.*

I don't remember much after that but I do know that I called my husband at 10PM and started yelling at him. I printed off the entire message strand that so I'd have it later if I needed it. I called my mother and inbetween sobs, told her that he was cheating on me - - - again. And I was coming over. I woke my son up and packed a bag. My husband hadn't called me back. I was shaking and crying and trying to get my son ready and he walked in the door. He asked me how I knew. I told him I could read the signs. I also saw the facebook messages. He said, "It ended today." I told him that was unfortunate, because we ended today too, and that I wanted a divorce. And I drove to my mom's.

That first night was absolute hell. I cried off and on. I didn't sleep at all. I just sat there in the dark room. Staring. Thousands of emotions flooding my head. Why. Why. I'm so scared. What am I going to do. How could he do this to me. I feel so alone. I just lost my best friend.

Yesterday was a numb day. I didn't eat or drink anything. There were crumpled kleenexes on every flat surface. I sent out a facebook message to close friends and family that didn't already know, telling them about the divorce - and the reason why. And after having some phone conversations with my husband, I'd found out some more details. Details that I wish I hadn't found out. He met her at a bar at his company's christmas party two weeks ago. He pursued her. She was married. It just made my stomach turn. Every word was like a knife in my gut. I just couldn't believe he would throw everything we had away - for some cute little girl that gave him attention in a bar - two weeks before Christmas. He also said things like, "if we were both single, I'd date her," and the kicker - "I love you but not as much as you love me."

When your husband cheats on you and says things like this and you've seen torrid messages between him and his lover - - you have to ask yourself - - why would you even consider giving him a second chance? But that's what happens. Because you're so caught up in the relationship that you've had with this person for so long - - that you don't want it to end. But I knew I had to end it. Because this wasn't the first time he cheated. It was the third. And even though the last time (that I know of) happened over seven years ago - it was clear to me that he wasn't able to stop the cycle. And he'd gone from picking up girls online to actually picking them up in person.

I know the relationship is toxic. I know that I have to leave. Start all over. Because he never was my best friend afterall. Best friends don't hurt each other like that, do they. I was his best friend. But he was no longer mine. And hadn't been for a very long time.

This morning I woke up alone in our bed. I didn't cry. The pain was once again overwhelming. The questions came flooding back. But I didn't cry. I've never felt so alone in my life. Even with people coming over, calling, future plans made - - I feel so incredibly alone right now. And all I want to do is see him or talk to him - but I know it's only because that's what I'm used to doing.

He's bringing our son back to me today. Our son has special needs and doesn't understand what's happening. I'm glad he doesn't understand but I'm sad that he can't talk to me. He does give me hugs though. And says, "awww." He knows that mom is sad but doesn't know why.

Well now the tears are welling up again. And in ten minutes, I need to make a very difficult phone call. To a divorce lawyer. Here we go.