Just spent some time rearranging my basement. Trying to fill in the empty space a little bit. It was a big house to begin with - even with his stuff in it. Now it seems huge and empty. I don't go down in the basement too often anyway. Basically just store stuff. Seems a huge waste though. It's very large and partially finished with cabinets on one side, a utility sink, tons of shelving. Perfect for band rehersal. Not so perfect for a single mom. I guess I could make it into a play room for Erik. His drums are down there. That might be a thought.
I also now have a completely empty third bedroom. There's an ironing board in there. And the bedroom furniture that I want to paint but can't bring myself to do. I got the farthest today though. I'm sitting here in my paint clothes, and the paint and drop cloth are upstairs where the furniture is. I just can't bring myself to paint. I just have no motivation.
Motivation is very difficult right now. I joined a Zumba class with my friend Kim. I actually have my mom to thank for that one. She forced me to go on Wednesday when I was at my 2nd lowest (1st low being the night I found out). It was fun with mom and Kim there. This morning, not so much. I'll keep going just to get out of the house and possibly lose some weight though. Not giving up on it.
Not motivated to keep my house clean either. This is a biggie because my house is so large. It takes lots of maintenance. Dusting and vaccumming have totally fallen by the wayside. I'm doing good to get my dishes and laundry done right now. I figure, I'll catch up on things if I have guests over or when I'm feeling better.
Paid the bills for the first time in three years. Bill pay rocks. Problem is, I only have $111 to last me the next two weeks. I'm trying to remember what I've been spending money on. Gas, Zumba, groceries, and a couple of dinners out. I'm trying to come up with ways to save but again, this house is really expensive. I should probably get rid of cable but then what the heck am I going to do? I watch TV a lot more now than I used to.
Went to a movie with a friend last night. And then my ex-boyfriend came over for a visit. That was interesting. Weird, but interesting. He told me that he always regretted breaking up with me and that we had a good thing going. It was nice to feel desired again. He kept hinting about taking me out but never asked and I didn't push it. We don't have much in common anymore anyway and I want to be divorced before I start seeing anyone. Even as "old friends" 'cause who knows where that can lead.
Friends have told me to try and stop looking at the past and look to the future. But the past is everywhere I look. It's all over this house, my son, my car, my job, my friends, my family. They say to stop trying to figure out what's going to happen, just to take things minute by minute. "Live for the moment." Except all I can do is wish for a year to be gone so I won't feel this way anymore. Jeesh. Two weeks and it feels like it's been months since things have been normal for me.
I know I sound like a sad sack right now but I'm not like this all the time. It depends. Like yesterday was a good day for me. I was still sad but I was able to push things out of my mind from time to time. I think it was because I was wearing my new "sexy jeans." I typically don't feel too sexy in my "teacher clothes." But on Fridays we can wear jeans and I have a new pair of super tight, super cute jeans that make me feel slimmer and look taller. And when I look good, I feel good. Wish I could afford another pair of those jeans...
Douche is dropping our son off to me at 5pm. He's also bringing some of my things over from the old house and taking some more of his crap. I asked him yesterday if we could maybe be friends some day and he said he would like that. So I've got that going for me. I get to be friends with my ex who I never wanted to be divorced to in the first place. Yippee.
Ugh... not in a very good mood right now. Feeling very down. I think I'll go take a nap.
Things to look forward to in the future:
1) Not feeling so damned depressed.
Uh... that's all I can come up with right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment